Reconnecting with My Body: An Autistic Trans Woman's Journey of Awakening
As an autistic trans woman (yipee, there I go again!), my life’s journey has been marked by a complex relationship with my body and senses. Growing up in the 1970s, long before there was widespread understanding or acceptance of autism and sensory processing differences, I struggled to make sense of my experiences. The constant onslaught of sensory input - from the texture of clothing tags to the overwhelming noise of crowded spaces - left me feeling raw and overwhelmed. As a child, without the tools or knowledge to manage these sensitivities, I instinctively resorted to a psychological disconnection from my body as a means of self-preservation. This defensive mechanism, while helping me to cope in the short term, ultimately led to a profound sense of alienation from my physical self. The disconnection manifested in various ways throughout my life, from the rage and anger that propelled me into fights as a youth, to the solace I found in the controlled aggression of contact sports.
However, since beginning my transition (even before HRT), I have noticed a profound shift in my relationship with my body. There has been a rather unexpected and exhilarating psychological awakening. It’s as if my brain, after years of lying dormant, is suddenly eager to reconnect with my body, to fully inhabit and experience the sensations and emotions that were previously muted or inaccessible. What’s remarkable is that this process seems to be unfolding organically, without conscious effort on my part. It’s as though my body and mind, finally aligned in their purpose, are working in tandem to bridge the gap that had grown between them. The intensity of this reconnection is often staggering, with sensations that feel like bolts of lightning, simultaneously shocking and exhilarating. Each new experience, whether it’s the brush of fabric against my skin or the rush of endorphins after exercise, feels like a revelation - a joyful rediscovery of a part of myself that had long been lost. As I navigate this uncharted territory, I am filled with a sense of wonder and gratitude for the transformative power of this journey.
Autism and Sensory Sensitivities
Autism, being a spectrum, is often said to be characterised by a range of neurological differences, one of which is the way sensory information is processed and experienced. For many autistic individuals, sensory inputs can be intensified, overwhelming, or even painful, leading to a phenomenon known as sensory overload. This can involve hypersensitivity to certain stimuli, such as bright lights, loud / complex noises, or specific textures, as well as hyposensitivity, where some sensations may be dulled or muted. The constant navigation of these sensory experiences can be exhausting and have a profound impact on an autistic person’s daily life and sense of well-being.
In my own journey as an autistic individual, sensory sensitivities have been a defining feature of my experiences. Long before my formal diagnosis in 2012, I grappled with the overwhelming nature of my sensory world. Certain sounds, like the buzzing of fluorescent lights or the complex chatter of a crowded room, could feel like physical assaults, setting my nerves on edge and making it impossible to concentrate or relax. Similarly, the feeling of certain fabrics against my skin could be unbearable, leading me to seek out soft, comfortable, well-fitting clothing as a form of self-protection. These sensitivities often led to meltdowns and shutdowns, which at the time I couldn’t fully understand or articulate. It was only through the process of my diagnostic journey, which I detail in my 2023 book “No Place for Autism?”, that I began to recognise these experiences as part of my autistic identity.
The impact of these sensory sensitivities on my relationship with my body has been profound. The constant onslaught of overwhelming sensory input led to a sense of disconnection and alienation from my physical self. It was as if my body was a source of discomfort and confusion, rather than a vessel for joy and self-expression. This disconnect made it difficult for me to fully engage with the world around me, as I was constantly battling the tension between my sensory experiences and the demands of daily life.
To cope with these challenges, I unconsciously developed a range of strategies over the decades. Chief among these were disconnection, dissociation, and distraction. By mentally distancing myself from my body and its sensations, I could create a buffer between myself and the overwhelming sensory world. This might involve losing myself in a task, focusing intently on a single sensation to the exclusion of others (a fidget), or simply “checking out” mentally when the stimuli became too much to bear. Whilst these strategies allowed me to function in the short term, they ultimately reinforced the sense of disconnection between my mind and body, creating a feedback loop that made it increasingly difficult to fully inhabit my physical self. It’s only now, as I navigate the profound changes brought about by my transition, that I’m beginning to dismantle these coping mechanisms and rediscover a sense of integration and wholeness within myself.
The Journey of Transition
The decision to begin my medical transition was a long time coming, a culmination of years of introspection, self-discovery, and grappling with the complexities of my identity. Whilst I had known for decades that something didn’t quite align between my body and my sense of self, it wasn't until late 2023 that I finally took the leap and decided to pursue a medical transition and HRT. The timing of this decision was influenced by a variety of factors, both personal and practical. As any Kaiser Permanente (KP} member can attest, navigating the healthcare system can be a daunting task, and it took some time for me to gather the resources and support necessary to begin this journey. It wasn’t until the spring of 2024 that I was finally able to start the journey within KP, marking the beginning of a new chapter in my life.
The physical changes brought about by this process are still in their early stages, and to the casual observer, may not yet be apparent. As someone who has spent years crafting a personal style that prioritised comfort and sensory-friendliness over overt gender expression, my current wardrobe doesn’t necessarily highlight the subtle shifts taking place in my body. However, these changes, whilst gradual, are unmistakable to me. I can feel the ways in which my body is beginning to transform, and with each passing day, I’m becoming more attuned to the nuances of these changes. It’s this awareness that has sparked a newfound interest in fashion and self-expression, as I recognise the need to create a work wardrobe that not only accommodates my changing body but also reflects my evolving sense of self. This summer, as you know, I plan to delve into the world of clothing design and craftsmanship, creating pieces that celebrate my identity and make me feel confident and comfortable in my own skin.
Yet, perhaps the most striking and unexpected aspect of my transition thus far has been the profound psychological shifts I’ve experienced, particularly in relation to my body. After decades of feeling disconnected and alienated from my physical self, I’m suddenly awakening to a sense of embodiment that I never knew was possible. It's as if a veil has been lifted, allowing me to truly inhabit my body in a way that feels authentic and alive. This awakening has been a revelation, a joyous rediscovery of sensations and emotions that had long been dormant. The disconnect between my mind and body, which had once felt like an unbridgeable chasm, is slowly beginning to close, as I learn to embrace and celebrate the entirety of my being. Whilst this process is still unfolding, and there are undoubtedly challenges ahead, I can't help but feel a sense of excitement and wonder at the transformative power of this journey. Each day brings new insights and experiences, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to finally feel at home in my own skin.
Reconnecting With My Body
The experience of reconnecting with my body has been nothing short of transformative, filled with moments of pure joy and wonder. As I navigate this new landscape of sensations and emotions, I find myself constantly marveling at the depth and richness of feelings that were previously inaccessible to me. It’s as if a whole new spectrum of experiences has opened up, painting my world in vivid colours that I never knew existed. The simplest sensations, like the warmth of the sun on my skin or the gentle caress of a breeze, can now bring a smile to my face and a sense of contentment to my heart. These feelings are so intense and overwhelming at times that I find myself giddy with excitement, eager to explore and savour each new sensation as it arises.
What makes these experiences all the more profound is their novelty. As I delve deeper into this process of reconnection, I realise that I have no clear memories of ever feeling this way before. It’s as if I'm discovering an entirely new facet of my being, one that has been hidden away for decades, waiting to be uncovered and celebrated. This lack of familiarity can be both exhilarating and disorienting, as I navigate a landscape of emotions and sensations that feel both foreign and intimately familiar. Yet, even in moments of uncertainty, I find myself drawn to the beauty and authenticity of these experiences, knowing that they represent a vital part of my journey towards wholeness.
Central to this process of reconnection has been my transition. Even before I set foot in the door at Kaiser, I believe my brain sensed the impending changes and began to lay the groundwork for this transformation. It’s as if my mind, after years of yearning for integration and alignment, took the lead in facilitating this reconnection, guiding me towards a greater sense of embodiment and self-acceptance. This process has been unfolding organically, without conscious effort or willpower on my part, which only adds to the sense of awe and gratitude I feel for the intelligence and resilience of my own being.
As an autistic person, my sensory experiences have always been a defining feature of my world, shaping my perceptions and interactions in profound ways. The interplay between these sensory sensitivities and my body's awakening has been a fascinating and complex dance. On one hand, the heightened awareness and hypervigilance that often accompany autistic sensory experiences can make the process of reconnection more intense and overwhelming at times. The flood of new sensations and emotions can be difficult to process and integrate, leading to moments of confusion or discomfort. Yet, on the other hand, this same sensitivity has allowed me to fully immerse myself in the present moment, savoring each sensation with a depth and clarity that feels almost meditative, like a flow state. It’s as if time slows down, and I’m able to inhabit the Daoist “eternal now,” fully engaged with the richness and texture of my own embodied experience. As I continue to navigate this interplay between my autistic sensory world and my body’s awakening, I'm learning to lean into the joy and beauty of these experiences, trusting in the wisdom of my own being to guide me towards greater integration and wholeness.
Challenges and Triumphs
As I navigate the process of reconnecting with my body, I’ve encountered my fair share of challenges along the way. One of the most significant difficulties I’ve faced has been the impact of these experiences on my professional life as a SpEd RSP teacher. There have been moments in the classroom where I’ve found myself suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of sensations or emotions, caught off guard by the intensity of these feelings. It can be embarrassing at times, trying to maintain my composure and focus while leading a lesson, only to be swept away by the tide of my own bodily experiences. I’ve had to learn to navigate these moments with grace and humour, acknowledging the humanity of my journey while also striving to maintain a sense of professionalism and boundaries with my students.
Yet, for every challenge I’ve faced, there have been countless moments of celebration and euphoria as I rediscover my body and its capacity for joy. One such moment came when I found a few pairs of baggy rayon pants to wear on the weekends. The fabric, a dazzlingly feminine Thai print of peacock feathers on a field of royal purple, felt like a revelation against my skin. As I slipped into these pants, I felt a sense of alignment and authenticity that brought tears to my eyes. I bought a second pair of black and gold to celebrate (yay, pants!). It was a simple thing, the act of wearing clothing that felt true to my identity, but it held such profound significance for me. In that moment, I felt a rush of gratitude and wonder for the journey I’m on, and for the small victories that mark my path towards greater self-acceptance and expression.
As I look ahead to the future, I’m filled with a sense of eager anticipation for what's to come. My journey with HRT is just beginning. Yet, the changes I’ve experienced thus far have been transformative. If this is just the starting point, I can hardly imagine the full effects that will unfold as I continue down this path. I know that there is still much work ahead, both in terms of my physical transition and my ongoing process of reconnection and self-discovery. There will undoubtedly be more challenges to face, more moments of discomfort or uncertainty as I navigate the complexities of this journey. Yet, I also know that there will be countless more moments of joy, celebration, and triumph waiting for me on the other side.
What I’m learning, more than anything, is to trust in the wisdom of my own being, to have faith in the unfolding of this process. My body, my mind, and my spirit are all working together, guiding me towards a greater sense of wholeness and authenticity. As I continue to lean into this journey, to embrace the challenges and savor the triumphs, I’m filled with a sense of excitement for all that is yet to come. I know that this is a lifelong process, one that will continue to shape and transform me in ways I can't even begin to imagine. But I also know that each step forward, each moment of connection and alignment, is a gift to be cherished and celebrated. So I move forward with an open heart, ready to embrace all that this journey has to offer, and grateful for the opportunity to finally feel at home in my own skin.
Final Thoughts …
As I reflect on my experiences of reconnecting with my body and navigating the intersection of my autistic and trans identities, I’m struck by the profound insights and personal growth that have emerged from this journey. One of the most significant realisations has been the vital role that this intersection plays in my own sense of self and well-being. The available research shows that autistic individuals are three to six times more likely than neurotypical people to identify as transgender, and that nearly all autistic people grapple with sensory processing differences. For me, leaning into this intersection, exploring the ways in which my sensory experiences and gender identity intertwine, has been a crucial part of my journey towards self-understanding and acceptance. It has taught me the importance of honouring the complexity and uniqueness of my own identity, and of embracing the full range of my experiences and sensations as valid and meaningful aspects of who I am.
As I share my story, I'm acutely aware of the potential implications it may have for other autistic trans individuals. I recognise that I have the privilege of being able to write and speak openly about my experiences, to put words to the joys and struggles of this journey, in a way that not everyone can. There are countless autistic trans people out there who may be navigating similar paths, grappling with the same questions and challenges, but who may not have the safety or support to express themselves fully. My heart goes out to these individuals, and I want them to know that they are not alone. By sharing my own story, my hope is to offer a sense of connection and empathy, to let others know that their experiences are valid and that there is a community of people who understand and support them. I hope that my words, through this article and my ongoing work here on the AutSide, can serve as a beacon of hope and a reminder that our stories matter, that our journeys are worth celebrating and sharing.
Ultimately, I believe that the power of stories like mine lies in their ability to increase understanding and empathy, to bridge the gaps between diverse experiences and identities. When we share our truths with vulnerability and authenticity, we invite others to see the world through our eyes, to connect with our humanity on a deeper level. This is particularly important for those of us at the intersection of marginalised identities, whose experiences are often misunderstood or overlooked by mainstream narratives. By giving voice to the complexities and nuances of our lives, we challenge stereotypes and assumptions, and we create space for a more inclusive and compassionate understanding of the human experience.
So, to all those who have read my story, I invite you to join the conversation. Whether you are an autistic trans individual yourself, or someone who wants to learn more about the experiences of others, I encourage you to leave a comment and share your own journey. Let’s create a space of connection and empathy, where we can celebrate the beauty and diversity of our identities, and support one another in our ongoing process of self-discovery and growth. Together, we can build a world where all people, regardless of their neurotype or gender identity, feel seen, valued, and empowered to live their truths with authenticity and joy. This is the vision that guides my own journey, and it is one that I hope we can all work towards, one story at a time.