The Uncharted Self: Exploring the Fluidity of Identity

Throughout the history of literature, authors have often challenged societal norms and explored the complexities of human identity through their works. One fascinating area of exploration is the concept of gender fluidity and the ways in which our physical bodies shape our experiences and interactions with the world around us. From science fiction novels that imagine future societies where consciousness can be transferred between bodies to satirical biographies that trace a character’s journey through different genders over the course of centuries, literature has provided a rich canvas for examining these thought-provoking themes.

Why am I thinking about this?

I received a range of responses to my article, ‘The Complexities of Identity,’ some of which were intriguing and sharply insightful, while others were overtly aggressive and unsettling. The feedback varied widely, spanning from thoughtful and polite to overtly rude and incorrect. Notably, the most vehemently negative reactions predominantly came from individuals who appeared to be disappointed in me, each for their own reasons. This spectrum of responses highlights the challenging nature of discussing nuanced topics such as identity, especially when they touch on deeply personal and societal issues.

The depth of these people’s disappointment seemed rooted in their fixed perceptions of my physical appearance and past achievements. Standing 2.1m tall and weighing 127kg, combined with my extensive and successful background in the Scottish Highland Games — boasting over 75 podium finishes and four championships — I appear, to some, as the epitome of cisgender masculinity. This rigid interpretation of my identity overlooks the breadth of my experiences and the complexity of my expressions over the years. It’s evident that these critics have clung to a singular aspect of my persona, disregarding my ongoing dialogue and the evolution of my identity beyond the traditional confines of societal norms.

In my book, ‘No Place for Autism?,’ I discuss the Solitary Forager Hypothesis, which provides an intriguing framework for understanding certain autistic behaviours, particularly the tendency to wander or explore. This hypothesis suggests that autistic individuals might be naturally inclined to solitary exploration, a trait that could have had adaptive benefits in prehistoric times. My personal journey resonates with this theory. My achievements in the Scottish Highland Games, whilst significant, were never a cornerstone of my identity but rather a strategic use of my physical abilities to facilitate my deeper, intrinsic need to explore and wander.

Growing up in rather poor circumstances, I quickly realised that societal accolades and financial rewards often follow specific types of performances — in my case, athletic prowess. After football, competing in the Games became a practical solution: it was a way to fund my explorations and satisfy my autistic inclinations without relying on personal wealth. The podiums and prizes, whilst gratifying, were not reflections of my identity but rather the means to an end. This strategic performance enabled me to travel, expand my horizons, and fulfill my need for solitary exploration.

However, this aspect of my life also intersects interestingly with the concept of ‘gender as performance.’ To the outside observer, my participation in traditionally masculine, strength-based sports might reinforce a stereotype of cisgender masculinity. Yet, internally, these activities were devoid of any gendered significance to me. They were simply actions taken to achieve personal goals, not expressions of gender identity. In this light, my athletic endeavours can be seen as a form of autistic masking — performing in a way that met societal expectations and achieved practical outcomes, whilst the true motivations lay elsewhere.

This dynamic highlights a complex interplay between societal perceptions of gender and the less visible motivations of autistic behaviour. Whilst society may interpret my actions through the lens of gender norms, my actual experience diverges significantly, driven by pragmatic choices rather than a desire to conform to expected gender roles. It underscores the need for a broader understanding of how autistic individuals navigate social expectations, often adopting behaviours or roles that serve functional purposes, whilst masking their true selves from public view.

In my article, I embarked on a form of unmasking, revealing layers of my identity that had previously remained obscured behind the roles I inhabited. This expression of openness marks a significant moment in my life, a point at which I find myself in a safe enough space to articulate and explore the nuances of my identity without the facades that once seemed necessary for social navigation. The journey to this place of safety and self-acceptance has been intricate, influenced deeply by my non-binary understanding of identity, which refuses confinement within traditional categories.

My experience resonates with the courage I observe in the transgender community, whose members bravely assert their true selves in a world that often resists deviation from binary norms. Whilst I stand in solidarity with their struggles and admire their bravery, my own exploration of identity diverges onto a different path. Being non-binary, to me, means embracing a lifelong journey across the vast spectra of life’s experiences. This includes gender but also extends into various realms of personal and professional life. It mirrors the autistic inclination toward intense, focused exploration, a theme I delve into through the Solitary Forager Hypothesis in ‘No Place for Autism?’

This hypothesis helps explain not just a propensity for physical wandering but also a metaphorical journey through various life roles and identities. From my early days as an illiterate bodyguard, where physical strength and intimidation were my currency, to my later success as a forensic scientist — a role that demanded meticulous intellectual engagement and academic prowess — each phase of my career has been a stop along a broader expedition. Now, as a special education and maths teacher, I integrate all these past experiences, employing empathy and analytical skills to foster an inclusive, understanding learning environment.

The ability to shift so drastically in terms of career and identity is not merely about personal growth but is indicative of a deeper, intrinsic need to explore and understand various facets of existence. Each transition has been a step in demystifying different aspects of life and myself, akin to peeling back layers to understand what lies beneath. This journey through the spectra is not just about gender identity but about a holistic exploration of what it means to live fully and authentically.

Thus, ‘The Complexities of Identity’ serves as both a declaration and an invitation—an unmasking of my multifaceted self and a call to others to explore the depth of their own identities. It’s an affirmation that safety and authenticity can coexist, and that the journey of self-exploration is perpetual, always leading to new understandings and perhaps, more importantly, new questions about what it means to truly be oneself.

Reflecting on my own journey of identity and self-discovery, I’ve found invaluable insights in the realm of literature, where authors have long ventured into the exploration of identity. The complexities of human identity, particularly the fluidity of gender and the profound impact of our physical existence on our experiences, have been compelling themes throughout literary history. From speculative science fiction that envisions societies where consciousness transcends physical form, to insightful biographies that trace a character’s transformation across genders and ages, these narratives have not only mirrored my own experiences but have also guided and shaped my understanding of myself and the world around me.

This exploration in literature has been particularly meaningful to me, as I navigated my own complex journey of identity and understanding. The discovery of my non-binary identity, alongside my experiences with autism, found resonance and clarity in the narratives of transformative characters and futuristic societies. These stories provided not only a mirror in which I could better see myself but also a map that helped guide me through the often tumultuous landscape of social expectations and self-discovery.

“Ancillary Justice” by Ann Leckie

This science fiction novel was a revelation, showing me the fluidity of identity through its protagonist, Breq. Once a spaceship AI with a multitude of bodies, Breq’s singular human existence juxtaposed against her past introduces a profound narrative on what it means to be singular versus multiple. This resonated with my own feelings of having a singular identity that does not fit neatly into socially constructed boundaries.

“The Left Hand of Darkness” by Ursula K. Le Guin

Le Guin’s portrayal of a world where gender is both fluid and temporary challenged my preconceptions about gender’s permanence. The Gethenians’ ability to embody different genders at different times offered a powerful analogy for the autism spectrum, where personal traits can also be fluid and context-dependent, shaping how we interact with the world.

“Orlando” by Virginia Woolf

Woolf’s exploration of a character who changes gender and lives through centuries provided historical context to the social constructs of gender. Orlando’s experiences across different eras illuminated how societal expectations of gender roles have evolved and how they've impacted personal freedoms and expressions. This helped frame my understanding of historical gender norms and their impact on modern identity politics.

“Altered Carbon” by Richard K. Morgan

The concept of ‘sleeving’ into different bodies in “Altered Carbon” provided a direct metaphor for the masks I often felt compelled to wear. Just as Takeshi Kovacs shifts bodies, I navigated shifting social roles and expectations, with each ‘sleeve’ representing a different facet of societal engagement and personal survival.

Literature like this not only informed my personal journey but also equipped me as a gestalt language processor, giving me the scripts I needed to navigate and articulate the complexities of my experiences. These narratives became truly accessible to me only after I gained literacy in my late thirties, opening up new avenues of understanding and expression that were previously obscured. They helped me to not only interpret my past with greater insight but also to approach my future with a renewed sense of possibility and purpose. In these stories, I found the language to describe the indescribable and the courage to live authentically in a world that often demands conformity.

But wait, there’s more …

Building upon the rich themes of identity and self-discovery that permeate both my personal narrative and the wider cultural conversation, Kate Bornstein’s works, particularly “Gender Outlaw” and “My Gender Workbook,” stand as seminal texts that have profoundly influenced my understanding of gender. Bornstein’s approach to gender as both a personal and social construct resonates with my experiences of living authentically in a space that transcends traditional gender norms.

“Gender Outlaw” breaks through conventional narratives about gender, challenging the reader to reconsider the binary system that dominates societal perceptions and interactions. Bornstein’s narrative is not just a personal recounting but a radical call to deconstruct gender norms. By sharing her journey of transitioning and navigating the complexities of identity as a trans woman who identifies as gender non-conforming, Bornstein opens up a space for dialogue about the fluidity of gender and the limitations of a binary gender framework.

This dialogue is further developed in “My Gender Workbook,” where Bornstein provides a practical guide that invites readers to actively engage with their own gender identity. Through a series of interactive exercises, readers are encouraged to question, explore, and redefine what gender means to them. This workbook is particularly impactful for individuals like myself, who see identity as a multi-dimensional and evolving aspect of life. The exercises not only facilitate a deeper understanding of one’s gender but also empower readers to articulate their identity in ways that challenge societal expectations.

The concept of gender as performance, which Bornstein explores through her background in performance art, also parallels the idea of autistic masking—a performance of neurotypicality that many autistic individuals feel compelled to adopt. Both concepts involve a layer of performance that serves to navigate social spaces that are often unaccommodating or hostile to divergence from the norm. Bornstein’s work empowers readers to drop these performances where possible, embracing a more authentic self-presentation that aligns with their true identity, rather than one imposed by societal pressures.

Moreover, Bornstein’s advocacy extends beyond personal identity exploration. She urges a communal reconsideration of how gender is enforced culturally and legally, highlighting the intersections with race, class, age, and sexuality. This broadens the conversation from personal identity to collective social dynamics, making it clear that understanding and redefining gender is not just an individual journey but a communal challenge.

The impact and legacy of Bornstein’s writings have been profound, influencing not just individuals but also sparking academic discussions and shifting public discourse on gender. As someone who found literacy later in life, these texts offered me scripts and languages to understand and express the nuances of being beyond gender, providing a framework that helped navigate and articulate complex identity experiences. Bornstein’s approach—a blend of theoretical exploration and practical engagement—encourages a transformative process of unmasking, pushing boundaries not only in how we see ourselves but also in how we engage with the world around us.

As such, Kate Bornstein’s books have been instrumental in shaping a nuanced understanding of gender fluidity and the performance of identity. Her works challenge us to consider a future where gender is neither a boundary nor a binary but a more inclusive spectrum that celebrates diversity in all its forms. Through her insightful provocations and exercises, I have found tools not only for personal reflection but also for advocating a broader societal acceptance and understanding of diverse gender identities.

Revising the initial thought, that some people had difficulty with my unmasking …

The range of responses to my article, my unmasking if you will, illustrates the profound impact and challenge of discussing nuanced topics such as identity, particularly when they intersect with deeply personal and societal dimensions. Whilst some feedback was enlightening and encouraging, other reactions were aggressively dismissive or unsettling, reflecting a discomfort with the exploration of identity that defies conventional norms. This spectrum of reactions underscores the vulnerability and courage needed in publicly navigating such intimate terrain.

This unveiling of my identity is neither a single event nor a final destination but an ongoing journey of discovery and expression. It’s a process without a predetermined endpoint, reflecting the ever-changing nature of identity itself. Each interaction, every piece of feedback, whether positive or negative, is a thread woven into the fabric of this journey, contributing to the evolving narrative of who I am. The lack of a clear end goal or a defined path is not a source of anxiety but rather a space of freedom. It allows for a fluid, open-ended exploration of self that is rare in a world that often demands definitive answers and fixed identities.

Embracing this uncertainty is a deliberate choice. It reflects a deeper philosophical stance towards life—not as a series of achievements to be marked off a checklist, but as an experiential journey to be lived and felt in all its complexity. This approach is inherently gentle and passive, not in a way that is aimless, but in a manner that is open to the multitude of possibilities that life offers. By not attempting to strictly guide or control this journey, I allow myself to be carried by the currents of experience, learning, and interaction. Each day brings new insights and revelations, each moment holds the potential for transformation.

In this context, the goal—if one can call it that—is not to arrive at a fixed point but to remain open to the continuous play of life, with all its shades and variations. It’s about experiencing life in its fullness, embracing the spectrum of human emotion and experience, and seeing where this vast, uncharted exploration takes me. This means sometimes facing the storms of misunderstanding and controversy, but also finding moments of profound connection and understanding.

Thus, as I navigate this path, I remain committed to this exploration, to writing and sharing and living openly. The responses to my work, whether they resonate with support or bristle with resistance, are all part of the rich dialogue that shapes my understanding and expression of identity. They are reminders that my journey is not just personal but is connected to larger cultural and societal conversations, influencing and being influenced by the world around me. In this ongoing narrative of self-discovery, I am both a participant and a storyteller, continually weaving new elements into the story of who I am and who I might become.

Stay tuned …