The complexities of identity

I received an invitation from a conference organizer to participate in their upcoming conference. Ordinarily, I take my time in evaluating such requests to see if the conference aligns with who I am and where I’m going. In this case, I could easily tell that the organizer spent not a moment extra getting to know me before extending the offer.

The organizer admitted to following my LinkedIn feed and commented upon a few of my more recent posts. But, I don’t think they took the time to dive deeper into my profile, or perhaps they simply made assumptions based upon my name and picture.

You see, the first clue about my identity can be found in the pronouns section. TW for those that dislike discussions of pronouns, I’m about to explain why I use the ones that I do.

Clearly displayed on my profile are the pronouns that I use (They / Them). That I’m autistic and use They / Them pronouns shouldn’t be surprising. Head over to Google Scholar and search for “autism and lgbtq” and you’ll find over 7k entries since 2019. The overwhelming consensus of the research demonstrates the strong correlation between being autistic and identifying outside of the gender / sex binary. One study found four key themes in this area: “(1) Effect of Dual Identities: experiencing dual identities, autism spectrum, and LGBTQ+; (2) Multiple Minority Stressors: challenges experienced by the participants, the impact of discrimination/misunderstanding, and holding minority statuses; (3) Isolation: barriers caused by lack of understanding; (4) Lack of Service Provision.”

Yenn Purkis, my fellow Lived Places Publishing Author, spends an entire book “exploring the intersecting areas of mental health and illness, neurodivergence and neurodiversity, and gender non-conformity.”

In other words, the information is out there if one seeks to find it.

So many autistic people, MYSELF INCLUDED, identify as non-binary. Quite a few identify as trans. Our reasons for doing so share common characteristics, but are unique to each of us.

For me, I derive none of my identity from this meat wagon I’ve been assigned. I am not my body. I am an energetic being that is housed in a particularly awkward and painful conveyance. My body is how I get around on this planet. It’s not me any more than my computer is not me. My computer is how I communicate with the majority of the world. It’s a tool. It’s not me.

Being autistic, and having massive sensory issues, being alexithymic, and being face blind, I’ve found that times when I wanted to change my appearance or style, I’ve felt extremely dysphoric - causing panic / anxiety attacks. Thus, I have the same hair style and wear largely the same style of clothes as I always have. When I find something in the same style that fits and is comfortable, I buy as many as I can afford. What I’m saying is, unlike many autistic people, I don’t modify my body / presentation to suit my inner view of myself. It’s too problematic for me.

Thus, I don’t blame people when they choose to not understand my desire for specific pronouns, or that they don’t believe that someone who presents as typical western masculine could possibly be non-binary. Again, I’m not my body.

Meet me … as envisioned by Face App’s AI

Buckle up, here we go.

Diving deeper, how I feel about me and my identities are … let’s say for now … informed … by my alexithymic system. As an alexithymic person, navigating emotions often feels nebulous - their origins unclear, meanings opaque. This uncertainty echoes my view of identity. Without distinct lines delineating where ‘my’ emotions end and others’ begin, a sense of continuous blending emerges. This is typically where language fails me. Borrowing from page 56 of my book, No Place for Autism?, my scripts around identity occupy multiple barrels in multiple places in my brain’s gestalt libraries. Organising them efficiently, to place these 11 dimensional entities into this fourth dimensional space, means that much will be lost “in translation.” I’ll try my best to make sense of this, thanking you in advance for your patience.

Being alexithymic informs my belief in String Theory and the multiverse. It’s like being hard-wired into the universal consciousness’ energy stream without a filter. It’s a ‘white knuckle ride’ through life. Thus, my understanding of selfhood resists firm definitions or demarcations. The contours of my being shift fluidly from shade to shade rather than separating into distinct regions labeled ‘me’ or ‘not me’. Just as emotions swirl through me without neat attribution, so too does my identity eschew tidy containers. Rather than solidifying into strictly bounded forms, it remains a dynamic flow in perpetual interaction with a boundless beyond. So in clarity, alexithymia mirrors, informs, my non-binary experience of self - both characterized by permeability and absence of clear definition rather than rigid differentiation of dualistic parts.

Diving deeper

Navigating the swirling sea of unlabeled emotions that accompanies my experience of my alexithymic system as an educator demands constant vigilance. Adrift without the anchors of defined inner or outer sources, feelings perpetually flood through and around me. In my classrooms, tempestuous moods smash into one another, the crashing waves threatening my porous borders. It is all too easy to lose track of which reactions originated within me and which I absorbed from the external emotional tumult. It can leave me wondering - in the ever-shifting tides eroding the shoreline of identity - where do I end and others begin?

My role further complicates maintaining my sense of self. I must attend compassionately to my students whilst regulating the onslaught on my own emotional reservoirs. With a foot in two worlds - validating another’s experience while protecting the boundaries of mine - each interaction carries the potential to unconsciously erode my conception of who I am. If unexamined and unchecked, the ultra-permeability characteristic of alexithymia could allow the slow dissolution of my own identity or sense of myself. Without diligent effort I risk gradually becoming no more than a conduit and container for whoever’s unrest overflowed that particular day.

So I have resolved to remain constantly observant for signs emotional reactivity is not my own - pausing frequently for self check-ins. Such vigilance taxes me tremendously, but provides safe passage through turbulent waters. Scanning my inner world more methodically before responding is the only way to stand guard over the ever-morphing shoreline of my being. Grounded anew in who I am apart from the ceaseless storms, I can then consciously choose which swells to let land upon my beach. With alexithymia, eternal mindfulness is the sole path to knowing - and stewarding - oneself amidst psychological seas too often unmapped.

Like a polynomial equation, with the variable X simultaneously taking on multiple values, my identity with alexithymia equally resists singular definition. I am not bound to any one specific conception of self - I cannot be reduced to a constant. Instead, who I am at any given moment may be aptly captured as X=3 and X=1 and X=0 all holding validity together. Again, my sense of inner coherence does not depend on firm borders delineating me as strictly one thing or another. Rather, just as a polynomial enables a fluidity of form, I contain multitudes - whatever self-descriptions currently apply can coexist without contradiction.

This inherent variability precludes describing my experience in rigid, binary terminology. Static either / or labels cannot contain the breadth of my continuity. Assigning my identity to dualistic categories of masculine / feminine, introvert / extrovert, rational / emotional betrays the reality of my being in favor of reductionist thought. For when I cannot definitively source emotions to clean divisions of inner “me” and outer “other,” how could I possibly divide myself? With powerful, unfiltered feelings (energy) flowing freely across my semi-permeable borders, no delineations can separate me cleanly - I remain whole.

So in the end, binary framings fail to capture my identity just as no single value captures a polynomial. Linear thinking cannot comprehend such simultaneous multiplicity. Only a perspective expansive enough to hold concurrently all present truths of who I am will suffice. With each passing moment altering the formula slightly, any definition must acknowledge its own impermanence. For in the absence of rigid differentiation, we remain ever-evolving equations - and I have always contained multitudes.

Sheer exhaustion

At this point, you’re probably exhausted from diving deep with me into the morass that becomes necessary when describing how I experience identity. I feel you, literally. Welcome to my day.

The swirling chaos of emotions that inundates my alexithymia-wired system echoes both differential equations and chaotic polynomials - endlessly iterative systems whose output unpredictably influences next input. Touching again on polynomials, like a differential equation continuously modifying itself based on present values, feelings flood through me, their mysterious origins indiscernible. I have no stable point of reference, no baseline of inner calm or clarity. My emotional state instead flows and fluxes in tangled, turbulent patterns, never settling long enough to be categorized before the next wave crashes in.

By day’s end, buffeted about on these churning seas with no safe harbor for respite, a bone-deep exhaustion seeps through every cell. With each interaction sparking new reactions, my vulnerability knows no bounds. A student’s anguish stirs my sorrow, a colleague’s frustration kindles my anger - again, like a chaotic polynomial, my mood reflects untraceable feedback loops, sensitive to infinite subtle shifts. Constant effort must be exerted to withhold automatic emotional mirroring, lest I lose all sense of self.

And so I ache under the strain of continually piecing together who I am amidst this mathematical chaos, my inner topography too unstable for mapping. Mind grasping at polynomials, heart tossed by differential equations, the sheer exertion swells until overflowing. Pulled here and there and everywhere by invisible variables, even minimal self-comprehension requires Herculean strength. But just as no equation fully predicts turbulence, no amount of determination brings permanence. I can only embrace the unrelenting waves and find respite in their constancy - if not in their contents. For I know come daybreak, the seas will still surge, and I will continue drifting among their mysteries - exhausted, yes, but afloat all the same.

Neuroqueer Heresies

Navigating the world with both alexithymia and an expansive, non-binary gender and sexuality compounds complexities exponentially. The unpredictable turbulence of my emotional oceans, perpetually in flux due to my alexithymic system, mirrors the fluidity I experience regarding my own gender and my attraction to others. Just as feelings flow through me without clear origin or meaning, my understanding of my own gender readily shifts, evading singular definition. The exhausting effort required to steer my sense of self through swirling affective chaos day after day parallels the ever-changing contours of my ‘neuroqueer’ being.

Demanding I conform my identity to neat binaries betrays the reality of inhabiting manifold selves – perpetually in the process of revealing and becoming. Like iterative polynomial functions generating intricate patterns, who I am as a ‘neuroqueer’ person continually evolves in intimate interaction to inputs perceivable and not. With sexuality and emotionality and sense of gender all manifesting as dynamic systems, the truth of me lies in the relationship between parts rather than parsing definitions. Just as no one equation captures turbulence, no static label can contain my beautifully complicated whole.

And so I bellow “Present!” when roll is called for fluid beings. Categorisation cannot satisfy, I yearn to embrace each intricate equation of selfhood. Formed in the resonance between cerebral patterns and visceral rhythms, I add my verse to the polymorphous poem pulsing through all wholly integrated, fully feeling beings. Unfragmented by fear, I dance to my own differential choreography.

When I first found Dr. Nick Walker’s definition and explanation of ‘neuroqueer,’ I loved it. I adopted it as my own. Neuroqueer refers to the practice of queering (e.g., subverting, defying, disrupting) both neuro-normativity and hetero-normativity simultaneously. It encompasses the queering of neuro-cognitive processes, gender norms, and cultural conditioning regarding identity and self-expression. According to Dr. Walker, neuroqueer can refer to practices, perspectives, embodiments, narratives, cultural artifacts, and spaces that are shaped by this queering. In short, ‘neuroqueer’ is about questioning and disrupting assumptions and norms regarding both neuro-cognition and gender / sexuality in interrelated ways, opening up new possibilities for divergent identity expression and experience.

As one inhabiting emotional seas perpetually in flux, my identity follows suit - ever-changing, resisting static definition. The expected binaries fail to capture my experience. Just as turbulent differential equations defy singular solutions, I cannot be solved for. No classic terminology fully encompassed this complexity - until discovering the term ‘neuroqueer.’

The prefix echoes my nonlinear neural wiring. Where standard gendered divisions between masculine and feminine falter, my alexithymia blurs boundaries. Emotions ebb and flow through porous selves, their mysterious origins beyond my perception's grasp. In the absence of clear inner / outer delineation, how could I possibly cleave my being in two when it already resides so wholly interconnected? Echoing chaos theory’s sensitivity, each new encounter subtly alters the dynamic system of myself.

Likewise ‘queer’ honors the multidimensionality transcending established identities. Ever-unfolding iterative polynomial functions reveal intricate self-patterns sans concrete form. My understanding instead relies on the resonance between parts - made visible by the relationship, not segmentation. Thus attraction arises in the spaces between beings, found in the collaborative composition we create, not surgically assigned source. I orient not to firm formations but the quality of contact, the tenor of energies in dance.

So ‘neuroqueer’ offers refuge for we who slip between sheltering structures, make homes where categories converge. Just as turbulent flow galvanizes novel solutions, the flow-state of perpetual progression seeds invention where others see only void. Thriving beyond binaries, we honour the vaster vocabulary of being - that which escapes linguistic capture. For true liberation requires moving not only beyond but beneath - tapping into wordless body-wisdom, the truths which pulse in standing waves too subtle for most notions.

So I swell with gratitude for those daring enough to dignify the nameless. In speaking the unspoken, ‘neuroqueer’ offers long-awaited mirror to our wavelength - documenting experience once deemed too disruptive. Yet we are the differential equations upon which reality runs. Without dynamic flow between supposed opposites, life's poetry could never unfold.

Me, at the Harry Potter set … as envisioned by Face App’s AI.

So that’s me. Back to my processing of the invitation.

Should I feel honoured by the invitation to speak, knowing most there will dismiss me as “woke” and reject me for who I am and what I represent? I recognize the term “woke” emerged from African American activism seeking awareness of racial injustice. As such, I hesitate to dignify the current weaponization of “woke” with my participation. Though originally associated with meaningful social justice efforts, “woke” has become a political slur used to instantly discount disfavoured perspectives.

The roots of the term “woke” can be traced back to African American Vernacular English (AAVE) and African American culture. It was first used in the 20th century, primarily within the African American community, to describe someone who was aware of and sensitive to racial and social injustice. The term gained prominence in the 1960s and 1970s during the civil rights and Black Power movements.

The concept of being “woke” encompasses a state of consciousness and critical awareness, particularly regarding racial and social issues. It signifies a level of understanding and engagement with the systemic inequalities and discrimination faced by marginalized communities, primarily African Americans. Being “woke” implies being actively involved in addressing these issues and working towards social justice.

In recent years, the term “woke” has been co-opted and has been twisted by the dominant colonialist / capitalist culture. It has become a catch-all phrase for individuals who advocate for social justice, challenging systemic oppression, and seeking equality across various intersecting identities and issues.

It's important to note that the term has been purposefully diluted or misused by colonialists in most contexts, leading to a loss of its original meaning. Again, I don’t want to do further damage by conflating my identities with the nonsense happening in modern culture.

Back to pronouns

Just like I explain in my book, No Place for Autism?, how it blew my mind as a child that one could create a brand new baseball team from scratch, having the option to actually choose how people address me was a revelation. My legal name now is not the same as my legal name at birth. My preferred name, Jim, is not a name that I would have chosen for myself. It’s the name my grandmother gave me. It was her younger brother’s name and I guess giving me that name was meaningful for her. Of all of the combinations of possible things to call me, given my full legal name, it’s the name I find least offensive. I still have no idea why a four character Danish name was so hard for LA County Social Services to figure out when they were changing my identity around my placement for adoption.

When I joined AmeriCorps / Teach for America, I was asked about my pronouns. No one had ever asked me such a question. I felt so respected, so loved. Someone genuinely wanted to know how to refer to me, and insisted that I be the one to choose. After a ton of deep thought, I chose They / Them as closest to my non-binary neuroqueer identity.

When someone calls me on the phone (strike one), and refers to me by either the full or short version of my legal first name, I know that they don’t know me. They’re likely a sales person. The same goes for when people call me Mr. I don’t mean to get snooty when I ask to be referred to as Dr. in those cases. I have, after all, earned that right. Also, in my mind, Dr. is non-gender specific. So it matches with my non-binary identity.

The conflation of gender / secondary sexual characteristics / and sexual preferences

As I’ve explored in depth, my being non-binary is a statement of openness. It’s non threatening. It has nothing to do with my body’s secondary sexual characteristics. It’s a neuroqueering of the binary.

Consider the case of a cis-identified biological female who has breast cancer and has her breasts removed. If she identifies as a woman, but has no natural breasts, is she still a woman? Of course she is. What about a cis-identified biological male with testicular cancer who has his testicles removed. Is he still a man? Of course he is. What about a cis-identified biological female who has surgically enhanced breasts? This choice is generally made to enhance one’s self-esteem. Does this choice fall within the realm of “gender affirming?” What about the many famous eunuchs throughout history …? No, let’s not go there.

So why is this happening?

Politics in the US are simple and brutal. It’s divide and conquer. It’s us vs. them. It’s the weak vs. the strong. It’s very binary. But remember, like our polynomial equations, multiple things can be true at the same time. Nothing in the universe is truly binary. Trans people can enjoy the fact that modern medicine makes transitioning so much easier than in the past (x=1), and changes to the DSM make it quicker than ever to transition (x=3), and the capitalist big pharma companies can see each Trans person as a lifetime customer (about $7m in lifetime revenue per trans person) (x=0). Interests are converging. Narratives are spun. People are hurt in the process. The system protects itself.

If I had the psychological option, meaning that I wouldn’t get flipped out by changing things, even subtly, I probably would. I would like to experiment and flow, but it's out of my reach at present.

The Conference Invite

With all of this being said, I had no choice but to turn down the request to participate in the M4 Summit.

We are seeking male speakers only for the M4 Summit. To be considered, you must be willing to authentically and candidly speak about your personal struggles, shame and stamina associated with health challenges, church hurt, workplace/business, sexual abuse, family trauma, financial setback, marriage and divorce, wayward children, impact of a miscarriage, parenting children with special needs, suicidal ideation, mental health challenges or the silent cries of a man. M4 Summit speakers will get real, be real and stay real. Men speak up, because Silence Kills! Speaking Heals!

I’m sure that it is a well-meaning effort. But, if the organizer only wants “male speakers,” then clearly a non-binary, neuroqueer, autistic is not going to fit in to their program. Plus, as you know if you’ve been reading for a while, I have no problem getting real, being real, or staying real.

Perhaps me being my authentic self at this conference is just what it needs. Maybe I should have pushed in to that space and presented my authentic self. I might have felt more comfortable in that decision if the organizer took the time to know me, to greet me as me, to explain how (in knowing me) I might fit into the program, and to outline how I would be supported through the process. Failing to do all of that, the decline came swiftly.

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April 2024 Update: In response to the many off-line comments that this article has generated, I’ve continued and expanded upon these thoughts in an on-going series of articles. You can find them collected here.