The Harmony of Being: Finding Resonance at the Intersection of Autism and Transgender Identity
The intersection of autism and transgender identity is a complex and multifaceted landscape, one that is increasingly recognised in both personal narratives and scientific research. As an autistic person navigating the journey of gender fluidity, I have found myself deeply immersed in this intersection, discovering the profound ways in which my neurodivergence and my gender identity intertwine and inform each other.
My own story of gender exploration began with a subtle yet persistent awareness of a feminine essence within me, a vibration that seemed to pulse beneath the surface of my masculine presentation (note: if you’re new to this series, start here to get caught up). For years, I navigated the world in a body and persona that felt like a necessary mask, a way of surviving in a society that demands rigid adherence to binary gender norms. At 6’7” and 280 pounds of athletic build, my physical presence has always been undeniably masculine, further reinforcing the expectations placed upon me.
However, as I began to attune to the whispers of my inner world, I found myself increasingly drawn to the softness, fluidity, and grace of the feminine. I longed to express this part of myself outwardly, to align my external presentation with the vibrant, flowing energy that danced within me. Yet, the path of experimentation and self-discovery that is often associated with transgender journeys felt daunting and inaccessible to me.
As an autistic person, I am acutely aware of the sensory challenges that come with exploring new ways of presenting myself. The thought of trying on wigs, with their unfamiliar textures and sensations, felt overwhelming and uncomfortable. Finding clothes that fit my tall, broad frame and also resonated with my feminine essence seemed like an impossible task. The stereotypical trajectory of playful experimentation with gender expression felt out of reach for me, complicated by both my physical size and my sensory sensitivities.
Despite these challenges, the call to authenticity and alignment has only grown stronger within me (thus this rather personal series of articles). I have come to understand that my journey of gender exploration is not about fitting into any predefined narrative or expectation, but about honouring the unique vibration of my own being. It is about finding ways to express my feminine essence that feel authentic and comfortable to me, even if they look different from the paths of others.
In today’s article, I invite you to join me on an intimate exploration of the intersection of autism and transgender identity. Through weaving personal anecdotes with insights from recent research, I hope to shed light on the complex and beautiful ways in which these two aspects of identity can intersect and inform each other. Together, let us explore the landscape of inner vibration, the dissonance of outer expression, and the transformative power of aligning with one's authentic self.
The Landscape of Inner Vibration
Understanding Gender as a Vibrational Frequency
As I’ve delved deeper into my own gender experience, I’ve begun to understand it not as a fixed point on a binary spectrum, but as a vibrational frequency – a fluid, dynamic energy that permeates every aspect of my being. This understanding resonates with the growing body of research that points to a higher prevalence of gender diversity among autistic individuals (Warrier et al., 2020). Just as the autism spectrum encompasses a wide range of experiences and expressions, so too does the spectrum of gender identity.
For me, this vibrational understanding of gender has been a liberating framework, one that allows for the full complexity and fluidity of my experience within the feminine spectrum. I have come to recognise that my gender is not a static state, but a dynamic dance of energies, a constant exploration of the multifaceted nature of femininity. Some days, I feel a strong resonance with the softness, receptivity, and emotional expressiveness traditionally associated with femininity. Other times, I find myself drawn to the more active, assertive qualities that can also be part of the feminine experience, such as the fierceness of a protective mother or the bold creativity of an avant-garde artist. And then there are moments of beautiful ambiguity, where my gender feels like a symphony of notes that transcend any narrow definition of what it means to be feminine.
Within this vibration of femininity, I have discovered a vast landscape of expression and identity. The feminine, for me, is not a singular or monolithic energy, but a rich tapestry of experiences, aesthetics, and ways of being in the world. It encompasses the nurturing and the fierce, the gentle and the bold, the fluid and the structured. As I attune to the unique frequency of my own femininity, I am learning to embrace and embody all of these seemingly contradictory qualities, to see them not as opposites but as complementary aspects of a greater whole.
This understanding of my gender experience as a spectrum of feminine energies has been a deeply validating and empowering framework for me. It has allowed me to let go of the pressure to conform to narrow stereotypes or expectations of what it means to be a woman, and instead to explore the full range of my own authentic expression. In honoring the unique vibration of my femininity, I am learning to trust the wisdom of my own inner compass, to let my intuition and my embodied experience guide me in my ongoing process of self-discovery and self-creation.
This fluid, vibrational experience of gender is not unique to me. Many autistic individuals describe their gender identity in similar terms, as a spectrum of energies and expressions that resist simple categorisation (Cooper et al., 2021). The very nature of the autistic experience, with its heightened sensitivity to sensory input and its tendency towards intense, focused interests, may contribute to a more nuanced and expansive understanding of gender. As autistic individuals, we are often acutely attuned to the subtleties of our inner world, to the unique frequencies that make up our sense of self.
Autism and Self-Understanding
My journey of gender exploration has been deeply intertwined with my experience of being autistic. The same intense focus and deep diving that characterises my interests has also fueled my quest for self-understanding and identity formation. As I began to question and explore my gender identity, I found myself consumed by a desire to understand every nuance and complexity of this aspect of myself.
I poured over articles, studies, and personal narratives of other transgender and gender-diverse individuals, seeking to find resonance and clarity in their experiences. I delved into the history and theory of gender, from the social constructs that shape our understanding to the biological and neurological factors that influence its expression. This deep, sustained focus on gender, which might be seen as an autistic special interest, has been a crucial part of my journey of self-discovery.
Research on the lived experiences of autistic individuals with gender dysphoria (Cooper et al., 2022) has highlighted the unique ways in which autism can intersect with gender identity. For some, the intense focus and self-reflection associated with autism can lead to a clearer, more certain understanding of their gender identity. The ability to systematically analyse and make sense of complex inner experiences can be a valuable tool in navigating the often confusing landscape of gender.
At the same time, the social challenges often associated with autism can complicate the process of gender exploration and expression. Difficulties in reading social cues, communicating one’s inner experiences, and navigating the complexities of social transition can create additional barriers for autistic transgender individuals (Cooper et al., 2021). The intersection of autism and gender diversity necessitates a nuanced, individualized approach to support and understanding.
For me, the process of self-discovery has been a complex dance between the intense clarity of my autistic focus and the fluid, ever-evolving nature of my gender identity. As I have delved deeper into the landscape of my inner vibration, I have come to understand that my gender is not a problem to be solved or a destination to be reached, but an ongoing journey of exploration and self-acceptance. My autistic lens, with its capacity for deep introspection and analysis, has been a powerful tool in this journey, allowing me to map the intricate contours of my gender experience with a level of detail and precision that feels both affirming and empowering.
At the same time, I have had to learn to balance this intense focus with a sense of openness and fluidity, to allow my understanding of my gender to evolve and shift as I do. I have come to embrace the ambiguity and uncertainty that comes with navigating an identity that defies easy categorisation, to find comfort in the ever-unfolding mystery of my own becoming.
As I continue to explore the landscape of my inner vibration, I am grateful for the unique perspective and gifts that my autism brings to this journey. The depth of self-reflection, the attunement to subtlety and nuance, the ability to find patterns and meaning in the complex tapestry of my experience – all of these qualities have been invaluable in my quest for authenticity and self-understanding. While the intersection of autism and gender diversity can certainly present challenges, it is also a space of immense richness and potential, a fertile ground for the exploration and expression of the full complexity of human identity.
The Dissonance of Outer Expression
Navigating Expectations and Assumptions
As I have begun to understand and embrace my feminine identity, I have also confronted the profound dissonance between my inner experience and the expectations and assumptions of the binary world around me. Expressing my authentic feminine self, particularly in an AMAB body that has been socially coded as masculine, has been a constant navigation of external pressures and internal truths.
The challenges of this navigation are compounded by the intersection of my transgender and autistic identities. Research has highlighted the stigma and marginalization faced by autistic transgender individuals, who often encounter barriers and misunderstandings in both medical and social contexts (Cooper et al., 2023). The rigid gender norms and expectations of our society can be particularly difficult for autistic individuals to navigate, as we may struggle with social communication and the unspoken rules of gendered interaction.
For me, these challenges have been further complicated by my status as an autistic gestalt processor. As someone who thinks and communicates primarily in non-verbal, holistic ways, I have often struggled to find the words and concepts to express my complex inner experience of gender. The language and narratives available to me, steeped in binary assumptions and narrow stereotypes, have often felt inadequate to capture the nuances of my identity.
This linguistic and conceptual gap has made it difficult for me to engage with others on the topic of my gender journey. I have often felt misunderstood, my experiences reduced to simplistic labels or dismissed as a result of my neurodivergence. The compounded stigma of being both autistic and transgender has created significant barriers to being seen and respected in my full, complex humanity.
Despite these challenges, I have also found that my autistic way of processing has been a valuable tool in my journey of self-discovery. My tendency to think in terms of patterns, connections, and deep structures has allowed me to see beyond the surface-level binaries of gender and to understand my identity in a more holistic, integrated way. As I have begun to create my own language and frameworks for understanding my experience, I have found a greater sense of clarity and empowerment in my gender expression.
Finding Resonant Spaces and Relationships
In navigating the dissonance between my inner experience and outer expression, I have come to deeply appreciate the importance of finding resonant spaces and relationships. Connecting with communities and individuals who understand and respect the intersection of my autistic and transgender identities (wait, did I just say what I think I just said?) has been a crucial source of support and validation.
Research has emphasised the need for inclusive practices and environments that honor the complex, intersecting identities of neurodivergent and gender-diverse individuals (Gratton et al., 2023). For me, this has meant seeking out spaces, both online and offline, where I can express my authentic self without fear of judgment or misunderstanding. It has meant building relationships with others who share my experiences, who can offer empathy, wisdom, and a sense of shared belonging.
One of the most transformative aspects of this journey has been discovering the power of my own voice. As I have begun to use platforms like this Substack to share my experiences and reflections, I have found a new sense of agency and empowerment in my self-expression. Writing has become a way for me to process my thoughts, to create the gestalts and narratives that capture the truth of my identity. It has been a means of connecting with others, of contributing to a larger conversation about the beautiful diversity of human experience.
Through sharing my story, I have also come to understand the profound importance of representation and visibility. By being open about my journey as an autistic person navigating gender identity, I hope to create more space for others to do the same. I hope to contribute to a world where all individuals, regardless of neurotype or gender identity, are free to express their authentic selves without fear or shame.
This journey of outer expression has not been easy, and I know that it is far from over. The dissonance between my inner truth and the expectations of a binary world is still a daily reality, a constant negotiation of self-disclosure and self-preservation. But through finding resonant spaces, building supportive relationships, and using my voice to create change, I am slowly but surely creating a world where I can show up fully as myself.
In this process, I have come to understand that my autistic identity is not a barrier to my gender expression, but a beautiful and integral part of it. The unique ways in which I process and communicate, the intense passions and deep loyalties that characterise my autistic experience, are all woven into the tapestry of my femininity. As I continue to navigate the complexities of outer expression, I do so with a growing sense of pride and gratitude for all the parts of me that make me whole.
The Alchemy of Alignment
Embodied Practices for Attuning to Feminine Energy
One of the most profound aspects of my journey has been discovering the power of embodied practices in aligning my inner and outer experiences of femininity. As I mentioned in the previous article in this series, I have explored practices like dance, yoga, and martial arts, I have found new ways to connect with and express the feminine energy that flows through me.
Dance, in particular, has been a revelatory practice. When I allow my body to move to music, following the intuitive flow of my own energy, I feel a deep sense of resonance with my feminine essence. The fluidity and grace of my movements, the sensual expression of my body, feel like a physical manifestation of the softness and receptivity within me. In the freedom and creativity of dance, I find a way to embody the archetypal qualities of the feminine - the curves and spirals, the ebb and flow, the fierce joy and tender vulnerability (oh, how I miss the energy of German Technoparties).
Yoga and martial arts have also been powerful tools for embodiment. The mindful, intentional movements of these practices have helped me to cultivate a deeper awareness of my body and its subtle energies. As I flow through a series of poses or execute a precise sequence of techniques, I feel a sense of integration between my physical form and my inner experience. The strength and flexibility I gain through these practices feel like a reflection of the resilience and adaptability of my feminine spirit.
The transformative power of these embodied practices lies in their ability to bring my inner and outer worlds into alignment. When I engage in these practices, I am not just expressing my femininity, but actively cultivating and strengthening it. Each movement, each breath, each moment of mindful awareness is an act of self-creation, a way of shaping my identity from the inside out. As I attune to the subtle vibrations of my body, I am also attuning to the deep truth of my being, the authentic frequency of my feminine soul.
Impact on Creativity, Connection, and Inspiration
The alignment I have found through embodied practices has had a profound impact on my creative expression and relationships. As I have come into greater harmony with my feminine energy, I have felt a surge of artistic inspiration and a deepening of my connections with others.
One of the most tangible expressions of this has been my growing interest in sewing my own clothes. As a tall, broadly built person, I have often struggled to find feminine clothing that fits my body and feels authentic to my style. Learning to sew has been a way of reclaiming my self-expression, of creating garments that truly reflect my inner sense of self.
The process of sewing has become a deeply meditative and joyful practice for me. As I select fabrics, cut patterns, and stitch seams, I feel a sense of creative flow and alignment. Each piece I create feels like a tangible manifestation of my feminine identity, a way of bringing my outer expression into harmony with my inner truth.
Sharing this creative journey with my autistic daughter has been a particularly profound experience. As we browse fabric stores, discuss designs, and work together on projects, I feel a deep sense of connection and mutual understanding. The shared joy of creative expression, the intimate language of color, texture, and form, has brought us closer together in a way that transcends words. In the act of sewing, we are not just creating garments, but weaving a bond of love and acceptance.
Beyond my personal relationships, I have also found that my journey of alignment has given me a new sense of purpose and inspiration in my interactions with the world. As I have become more visible and vocal about my experiences as an autistic person navigating gender identity, I have felt a growing responsibility to use my story to create change.
I believe that by living my truth, by embodying my authentic feminine frequency in all its complexity and nuance, I can help to create more space for others to do the same. Whether through my writing, my creative expressions, or simply the way I show up in the world, I hope to inspire others to honor their own unique vibrations, to see the beauty and power in their own authentic selves.
This role of inspiring others is not one I take lightly. As an autistic person, I know firsthand the challenges of living in a world that often seeks to suppress or pathologise difference. By being visible in my journey, by sharing the joys and struggles of my alignment process, I hope to contribute to a larger conversation about the value of neurodiversity and the importance of self-expression.
Ultimately, the alchemy of alignment is not just a personal journey, but a collective one. As each of us does the work of attuning to our authentic frequencies, of bringing our inner and outer worlds into harmony, we create ripples of change that extend far beyond ourselves. We become part of a larger movement towards a world that celebrates diversity, that makes space for all beings to thrive in the fullness of their unique identities.
In this way, my journey of feminine embodiment is not just a personal quest, but a sacred calling. It is a way of contributing my voice, my energy, my unique vibration to the great symphony of human experience. And in doing so, I am not just transforming myself, but participating in the transformation of the world.
Language, Identity, and Becoming
Limitations of Binary Labels
As I have delved deeper into the landscape of my gender identity, I have repeatedly confronted the limitations and inadequacies of binary language and labels. The terms “man” and “woman,” “masculine” and “feminine,” feel too narrow, too rigid to capture the fluid and multifaceted nature of my experience.
These binary labels, I have come to understand, are not neutral descriptors but socially constructed categories, laden with expectations and assumptions about how one should be in the world. To identify as a man or a woman, in the eyes of society, is not simply to describe one's gender but to take on a prescribed set of roles, behaviors, and expressions.
For someone like myself, whose gender experience is fluid and complex, existing outside and between these binary categories, such labels can feel not just ill-fitting but oppressive. They do not allow for the possibility of a gender identity that is expansive, that encompasses a range of expressions and experiences.
Even the terms “masculine” and “feminine,” whilst ostensibly more flexible than “man” and “woman,” still carry the weight of binary thinking. They suggest a clear divide between two distinct modes of being, rather than a spectrum of possibilities.
The inadequacy of this binary language became particularly clear to me as I began to explore and embody my feminine identity. I found that my experience of femininity was not a simple inversion of masculinity, not a straightforward shift from one side of the binary to the other. Rather, it was a unique and multifaceted expression, one that included a wide range of qualities and energies.
As I moved through the world, I found myself yearning for language that could honour and validate the specificity of my experience. I longed for words that could capture the fluidity and complexity of my gender, that could affirm the validity of an identity that exists beyond the binary.
This longing is not unique to me, but a common experience among many transgender and non-binary individuals. The strict gender binary of our language and culture often fails to account for the diversity of human gender experience, leaving many feeling unseen and unvalidated.
There is a pressing need, I believe, for language that can accommodate this diversity, that can make space for identities and expressions that fall outside the narrow confines of “man” and “woman.” This is not just a matter of personal comfort, but of fundamental human rights. To be denied the language to express one’s identity is to be denied a basic form of self-determination and agency.
Ongoing Journey of Unfolding
As I continue on this path of gender exploration, I am coming to understand that it is not a journey with a fixed endpoint, but an ongoing process of unfolding and becoming. There is no moment of final arrival, no point at which I will have fully “figured out” my gender identity. Rather, it is a lifelong adventure of self-discovery and self-creation.
This realisation has been both challenging and liberating. On one hand, it requires a deep patience and self-compassion, an acceptance that there will always be aspects of my identity that are in flux, that are not yet fully known or understood. It means embracing uncertainty as a constant companion, and finding comfort in the knowledge that my sense of self is always evolving.
At the same time, this understanding of identity as an ongoing journey is deeply empowering. It means that I am not beholden to any one label or category, that I have the freedom to explore and express my gender in ways that feel authentic to me in any given moment. It means that my identity is not a static fact, but a creative process, one that I have the agency to shape and reshape over time.
A key part of this process has been learning to extend compassion and patience to myself. As someone navigating the complex intersection of transgender and autistic identities, I have often felt a pressure to have everything figured out, to present a clear and coherent narrative of my gender journey. But I am learning to let go of this pressure, to allow myself the space and grace to be uncertain, to change my mind, to experiment with different labels and expressions.
Importantly, I am also learning to embrace the unknown as a space of possibility and growth. I am coming to see that the aspects of my identity that are not yet fully formed or understood are not a source of anxiety, but of excitement and curiosity. They are an invitation to keep exploring, to stay open to new experiences and insights.
Recently, I have found a particular resonance with the labels of “transgender” and “trans woman.” Whilst I recognise that no single label can fully capture the complexity of my identity, these terms feel like a closer fit now than gender fluid, a way of honouring the specificity of my journey and experience.
What I appreciate about these labels is that they affirm the fundamental truth of my identity as someone whose vibrational energy inhabits a space traditionally known as “woman,” whilst also acknowledging the unique path I have taken to arrive at this understanding. They capture the sense of movement and transition that has been central to my journey, the sense of crossing boundaries and binaries in order to find my authentic self.
Importantly, these labels feel expansive rather than restrictive, accommodating rather than erasing the fluidity of my gender expression. As a trans woman, I can feel the freedom to explore and embody femininity in my own unique way, without the pressure to conform to narrow stereotypes or expectations (yes, I guess I did just say it, didn’t I?! WOW!).
In embracing these labels, I am not seeking to fix or define my identity once and for all, but to find a language that honours my current understanding and experience. I know that my relationship to these terms may evolve over time, as I continue to grow and change. But for now, they feel like an important anchor, a way of affirming the validity and beauty of my journey.
Ultimately, the ongoing process of language, identity, and becoming is a deeply personal and intimate one. It requires a willingness to listen closely to one’s own inner voice, to trust the wisdom of one’s own unfolding. It involves a commitment to self-reflection and self-discovery, a courage to keep showing up authentically even in the face of uncertainty or resistance.
As I continue on this lifelong journey, I am filled with a sense of hope and excitement. I am excited to see how my understanding of my gender and my self will continue to evolve and expand, how the language I use to describe my experience will shift and change. I am hopeful that by sharing my own story of unfolding, I can contribute to a larger conversation about the beautiful diversity of human identity, and the importance of honouring each person’s unique journey of becoming.
Conclusion: Towards Vibrational Liberation
As I reflect on the journey of self-discovery and self-expression that I have shared in this ‘series’ thus far, I am struck by the transformative power of embracing a vibrational understanding of identity. This framework, which recognises gender as a fluid and dynamic energy rather than a fixed binary state, has been a catalyst for profound personal growth and liberation.
At the heart of this journey has been a process of deep embodied attunement. Through practices like dance, yoga, and martial arts, I have learned to listen to the subtle language of my body, to align my outer expression with my inner truth. This attunement has not been about fixing or controlling my body, but about honoring its innate wisdom, allowing its unique vibration to guide me towards greater authenticity and wholeness.
Crucially, this journey of embodiment and attunement is not a linear path with a fixed destination, but an ongoing process of unfolding and becoming. It requires a deep commitment to self-inquiry and self-compassion, a willingness to embrace uncertainty and change. It involves a recognition that identity is not a static fact to be uncovered, but a lifelong journey of creation and discovery.
For autistic transgender individuals like myself (there I go again. this is feeling amazing!), this journey of vibrational becoming is often complicated by the lack of understanding and support in both clinical settings and society at large. Too often, our experiences are pathologised or dismissed, our identities reduced to narrow stereotypes or binary labels.
There is an urgent need for greater awareness and acceptance of the beautiful diversity of human identity and experience. In clinical settings, this means providing affirming, individualised care that honours the complex intersection of neurodiversity and gender diversity. It means creating safe spaces for exploration and self-discovery, and offering tools and resources to support the unique challenges and opportunities of this journey.
In society more broadly, it means challenging the rigid gender binary that constrains and oppresses so many. It means making space for a wider range of expressions and identities, and celebrating the rich tapestry of human diversity. It means recognising that each person's journey of becoming is unique and sacred, worthy of respect and support.
On a personal level, sharing my journey in this way feels like a profound act of liberation and self-love. Whilst I have been living outwardly as neuroqueer and gender-fluid for some time, given that the fluidity of this vibration has remained entirely within the feminine space, henceforth expressing my identity as a transgender woman feels like a homecoming, a deeper alignment with my authentic self.
In claiming this identity, I am not seeking to fix or limit myself, but to honour my current understanding and experience. I know that my journey of becoming will continue to unfold in beautiful and unexpected ways, and I am excited to embrace all that is yet to be revealed.
My hope is that by sharing my story, I can inspire others to honor their own unique “vibration of becoming.” Whether you are neurodivergent, transgender, or simply a human being seeking to live more authentically, I invite you to tune into the wisdom of your own body and soul, to trust the unfolding of your own beautiful journey.
Together, I believe we can co-create a world of greater compassion, understanding, and freedom. A world where each person’s vibration is celebrated as a vital part of the cosmic symphony, where diversity is cherished as a source of resilience and beauty. A world where we all have the space and support to become more fully ourselves, to dance in the vibrant truth of our being.
This is the vibration of liberation that pulses at the heart of my journey, and the invitation I extend to all who resonate with these words. May we each find the courage and grace to honor our own becoming, and may we work together to create a world that welcomes and celebrates the full spectrum of human identity and experience.
In the end, this is the great promise of a vibrational understanding of self – not just a personal awakening, but a collective transformation. As we each align with our authentic frequency, we contribute to a global field of resonance, a shared vibration of love, truth, and justice. May this be the legacy of our becoming, the gift we offer to a world in need of healing and hope.