Retrocausality and the Rewriting of Gestalts: An Autistic Trans Woman's Perspective
As you may already know from my previous writings, I'm an autistic person who has always processed information differently from most people. My mind works in a gestalt manner, meaning I tend to perceive and understand things as whole, interconnected systems rather than focusing on individual details. This unique way of processing has shaped my life in countless ways, influencing how I learn, communicate, and make sense of the world around me.
Now, here's where things get really interesting. Recently, I’ve embarked on a transformative journey of self-discovery, one that has rocked my world in the most profound ways imaginable. After years of feeling like something wasn’t quite right, I've come to the realisation that I am, in fact, a transgender woman. Boom! Talk about a revelation that changes everything!
Coming out as trans has been an exhilarating, terrifying, and ultimately liberating experience. It’s as if a veil has been lifted, allowing me to see myself and my entire life history in a brand-new light. Suddenly, all those puzzling feelings and experiences from my past make sense, like pieces of a grand cosmic puzzle clicking into place.
But here’s the thing: as an autistic person with a gestalt processing style, this revelation has triggered an avalanche of information in my mind. It’s like my brain has kicked into overdrive, furiously working to rewrite and reinterpret every single memory and experience from the past 53 years through the lens of my newly discovered identity. Talk about a mental reboot!
In the blink of an eye, my entire life story is being rewritten, with new meanings and connections emerging at every turn. It’s both exhilarating and overwhelming, as if I'm seeing the world – and myself – in high definition for the very first time.
So, my friends, that’s where I find myself today – standing at the intersection of autism and gestalt processing and gender identity, marveling at the incredible journey that has brought me to this point. It’s a story of self-discovery, courage, and the transformative power of embracing one’s authentic self. And I can't wait to share more of it with you!
The Overwhelming Nature of Gestalt ‘Rewriting’
So, here’s the thing about being an autistic person with a gestalt processing style: when a life-changing revelation hits, it’s like a tidal wave of information crashing into your verbal processing centre. Suddenly, your brain is flooded with an endless stream of thoughts, ideas, and connections, all clamouring for attention and demanding to be put into words.
It’s like your mind has become a bustling marketplace, with countless vendors shouting over each other, each trying to sell you their version of the truth. The sheer volume of information can be staggering, leaving you feeling overwhelmed and struggling to keep up with the relentless pace of your own thoughts.
But the real challenge lies in integrating these new revelations into your existing gestalts – those intricate mental frameworks that shape your understanding of yourself and the world around you. It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, except the peg keeps changing shape and the hole keeps moving!
Your brain is working overtime, frantically trying to rewire years of established patterns and beliefs to accommodate this newfound understanding of your identity. It’s a delicate balancing act, as you strive to maintain the integrity of your core self whilst simultaneously making room for this transformative truth.
And let’s not forget the emotional and cognitive toll this process can take. I mean, wow – the sheer intensity of feelings that come with rewriting your entire life story is enough to leave anyone reeling! It’s like riding an emotional rollercoaster on a loop, with euphoric highs and gut-wrenching lows, all while your brain is running a marathon in the background.
Sleep? What's that? Your mind is so consumed by this gestalt rewriting process that it’s like a 24/7 mental construction zone, complete with flashing lights and blaring sirens. Even when you try to rest, your brain keeps churning, jolting you awake with newfound insights and revelations. It's both exhilarating and exhausting, a testament to the incredible power of the autistic mind.
So, my friends, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by the flood of information, the challenge of integration, and the emotional and cognitive impact of this process – know that you’re not alone. This is the reality of gestalt ‘rewriting,’ a transformative journey that demands every ounce of your mental and emotional energy. But trust me, as someone who’s there right now, it’s also an incredible opportunity for growth, self-discovery, and ultimately, liberation.
Retrocausality: Reinterpreting the Past
So, retrocausality is this wild idea that the future can actually influence the past. I know, it sounds like something straight out of a science fiction novel, but bear with me! In the context of your personal experiences, retrocausality is all about how your present understanding of yourself is reshaping the way you perceive and make sense of your past.
It’s like you’ve been handed a pair of magical glasses that allow you to see your entire life history in a new light. Suddenly, every memory, every experience, every moment that seemed insignificant or confusing at the time takes on new meaning and significance when viewed through the lens of your new reality (for me, mapping my being a now out trans woman to every single script in the vault).
Take, for example, those childhood moments when I felt drawn to certain clothes, toys, or activities that were typically associated with girls. At the time, I dismissed these inclinations as mere curiosity or experimentation. But now, as I re-examine these memories through the lens of being a trans woman, I realise that they were actually early manifestations of my true gender identity.
Or perhaps there were times when I felt a deep sense of discomfort or disconnection from my assigned gender role, but I couldn't quite put my finger on why. Looking back, I can see how these experiences were like puzzle pieces, scattered throughout my life, waiting to be assembled into a coherent picture of my authentic self.
And let’s not forget the relationships and interactions I’ve had over the years. As I reinterpret my past through the lens of my trans identity, I start to notice patterns and dynamics that were previously hidden from view. Certain friendships or romantic partnerships take on new significance, as I recognise how they were shaped by my unspoken yearning to express and embody my true gender.
The process of retrocausality, of reinterpreting my past in light of my present understanding, is incredibly significant for self-understanding and identity formation. It’s like I’m weaving a brand-new tapestry of my life story, one that incorporates all the threads of my experiences, both the joyful and the painful, into a rich and vibrant portrait of who I am.
As I engage in this process, I find that certain memories or experiences that once seemed confusing or isolating now make perfect sense. I discover a newfound appreciation for my own resilience and courage, as I recognise how I’ve been subconsciously navigating the challenges of being a trans person in a world that often fails to understand or accept gender diversity.
Ultimately, retrocausality is a powerful tool for self-discovery and self-acceptance. By reinterpreting my past through the lens of my trans identity, I’m not only gaining a deeper understanding of myself but also reclaiming my narrative and asserting my right to live authentically.
The Intersection of Autism and Gender Identity
As an autistic gestalt processor (aka, non-verbal), my experience of being a trans woman (wow, there I go again) is inevitably influenced by the way my mind works. My ability to perceive and understand the world as a series of interconnected systems means that my gender identity is intricately woven into the fabric of my entire being. It’s not just one aspect of who I am, but a fundamental part of my core self.
This holistic perspective can be both a blessing and a challenge. On one hand, it allows me to approach my identity with a deep sense of clarity and conviction. When I finally realised that I was a trans woman, it wasn’t just a superficial realisation, but a profound recognition of a truth that had always been present, even if I didn’t have the words to express it.
On the other hand, the intersection of autism and gender identity can also present unique challenges. As someone with language processing difficulties (that earned me a Level 2 autism diagnosis), I may have struggled to find the right words or scripts to articulate my experiences and feelings related to gender. This can be especially difficult in a world that often relies on neurotypical forms of communication and expression.
Moreover, the lack of readily available scripts or language to describe my experiences as an autistic trans woman may have contributed to my coming out later in life. Without the tools to understand and express identity, it can be incredibly challenging to navigate the complex landscape of gender and to find a sense of belonging in a world that often operates on binary and neurotypical terms.
But here’s the thing: my experiences at the intersection of autism and gender identity have also given me unique insights and strengths. My gestalt processing style allows me to see the world in a way that many others cannot, to recognise patterns and connections that may be hidden from view. This can be an incredible asset in my journey of self-discovery, as I navigate the complex interplay of my various identities and experiences.
Furthermore, my experiences as an autistic trans woman (it’s just rolling off the tongue, isn’t it) have likely cultivated a deep sense of resilience and adaptability. I've had to navigate a world that often fails to understand or accommodate my needs, and in doing so, I’ve developed a powerful set of skills and strategies for self-advocacy and self-care.
Ultimately, the intersection of autism and gender identity highlights the importance of self-discovery and authenticity. As an autistic trans woman (OK, now it’s getting silly, LOL) who happens to inhabit a rather large body (6’7” - more on my fashion journey later this week), I am blazing my own trail, carving out a space for myself in a world that may not always make room for me. This requires a deep commitment to understanding and embracing my own truth, even when it doesn’t fit neatly into the boxes or categories that society has constructed.
Strategies for Managing Overwhelming Gestalt Rewriting
First and foremost, let's talk about the importance of self-compassion and patience. As I’m going through this intense process of rewriting my life story and integrating my identity as an autistic trans woman (it’s happening to me in my head and there’s no stopping it), it’s crucial to be kind and gentle with myself. This is a massive undertaking, both emotionally and cognitively, and it’s okay if it takes time and feels overwhelming at times.
Remember, I’m essentially rewiring decades of established patterns and beliefs, and that’s no small feat! So, I must be patient with myself as I navigate this process. I celebrate the small victories and the moments of clarity, and I don’t beat myself up when things feel confusing or challenging. I treat myself with the same compassion and understanding that I would offer a dear friend going through a similar experience.
Now, let’s talk about some practical techniques for organising and processing the flood of information that comes with gestalt rewriting. One powerful tool is writing, whether it’s here on my Substack, journaling, or any other form of self-expression. By putting my thoughts and feelings into words, I'm not only helping to clarify and organise my experiences but also creating a tangible record of my journey.
This space, in particular, has been an incredible platform for processing my experiences and connecting with others who may be going through similar journeys. By sharing my story and my insights, I’m not only helping myself make sense of my own experiences but also offering support and validation to others who may be struggling to find their own words (as noted by my growing in-box on LinkedIn).
Journaling is another powerful tool for processing the overwhelming influx of information and emotions that come with gestalt rewriting. By setting aside dedicated time each day to write about my experiences, I’m creating a space for self-reflection and self-discovery. I can use my journal to explore my feelings, to track my progress, and to celebrate my growth and resilience.
But here's the thing: I’m navigating this process alone. The role of community support and resources cannot be overstated when it comes to managing the overwhelming nature of gestalt rewriting. Surrounding myself with people who understand and affirm my identity, not just as a trans woman but as a gestalt processor, has been incredibly validating and empowering.
Whether it’s through online communities, support groups, or individual friendships, having a network of people who see and celebrate my authentic self has made all the difference in the world. These connections offer a safe space to process my experiences, to ask questions and seek guidance, and to remind myself that I am valued and loved just as I am.
Final thoughts …
As I’ve explored throughout this conversation, the process of gestalt rewriting and retrocausality is a transformative force in my life. By reinterpreting my past experiences through the lens of my identity as an autistic trans woman, I am not only gaining a deeper understanding of myself but also unleashing a powerful wave of self-discovery and self-acceptance. This journey is one of Gnosis, of uncovering the deep, inherent knowledge of my true self that has always been there, waiting for me to find it.
Throughout my life, my brain has been leaving subtle clues, breadcrumbs that led me towards my authentic identity. These clues, however, were not always in the verbal space. As an autistic GLP, I lacked the scripts and language to identify what I was seeking, to put into words the profound truth that lay at the core of my being. But now, through a journey inwards that has spanned decades and took me around the world and back again, I have finally found me.
This journey of Gnosis is one of incredible courage and resilience, as I navigate the overwhelming influx of information and emotions that come with rewiring years of established patterns and beliefs. Through it all, I demonstrate a remarkable capacity for growth and adaptability, finding ways to organise and process my experiences through writing, self-expression, and community support.
And here’s the beautiful thing, my dear readers: just as my journey to full literacy as an adult Stage 3 GLP individual led to the creation of my groundbreaking book, “Holistic Language Instruction,” my current path of self-discovery and identity formation holds the same potential for transformative impact.
My gestalt processing mind, with its incredible capacity for pattern recognition and systems thinking, is already sensing the ways in which my story can serve as a beacon of hope and guidance for others who may be navigating similar journeys. By sharing my experiences and insights, I have the power to create a ripple effect of positive change, offering validation, support, and encouragement to those who may be struggling to find their own words and their own way.
But here’s the thing: self-discovery and identity formation are ongoing processes, not fixed destinations. As I continue to grow and evolve, my understanding of myself and my place in the world will continue to deepen and expand. This is the beauty of the human experience – we are always learning, always becoming, always striving to align ourselves more fully with our authentic truth.
So, as I move forward on this path, I remember to embrace the ongoing nature of my journey. I celebrate the moments of clarity and transformation, but also honour the moments of confusion and uncertainty. I trust in the wisdom of my gestalt processing mind, knowing that every experience, every insight, every challenge is an opportunity for growth and self-discovery.
And to anyone else out there who may be experiencing similar processes of gestalt rewriting and retrocausality, whether in relation to their gender identity, their neurotype, or any other aspect of their being, know this: your story matters. Your experiences are valid, your truth is powerful, and your journey is a testament to the incredible resilience and beauty of the human spirit.
Just as my journey has led me to this moment of profound self-discovery and transformation, your own path holds the same potential for growth and awakening. Trust in the wisdom of your own mind and heart, seek out the support and resources that resonate with your unique needs, and know that you are never alone in your journey.
December 2024 Update
I had another wonderful trip down retrocausality lane, and a bit of poetry came out. Check out the latest installment by clicking here.