Squaring the Circle: Integrating Transgender Identity and Masonic Principles
When I originally wrote this article, I was processing my coming out as a trans woman with my being invited to MC a lecture and seminar at a Lodge that I hadn’t visited since 2012. The emotions of the moment were so intense. My gestalt processing brain was flooding my verbal processing centre with all sorts of scripts that may be necessary.
This article was a detailed esoteric treatise on the historical and textual support for transgender inclusion in Freemasonry. Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of evidence to support the claims made. But, as I write this edit, I’ve just come back from the event. I’ve changed my mind.
As the event approached, I found myself grappling with a whirlwind of emotions. Nervousness and anxiety were at the forefront, as I contemplated the potential challenges and uncertainties of attending a Masonic gathering as an openly transgender woman. Having recently come out publicly, I was acutely aware that my presence might raise questions or even objections from some members who were unaware of or uncomfortable with my transition. The fear of being asked to defend my identity or justify my place within the craft weighed heavily on my mind, and I felt utterly unprepared for such confrontations.
These fears and anxieties played a significant role in shaping my initial approach to writing the article. In many ways, the piece became a form of preemptive self-defense, an attempt to arm myself with the historical and textual evidence that would validate my existence as a transgender Freemason. I poured my energy into crafting a detailed and esoteric treatise, hoping that the sheer weight of the arguments would shield me from any potential challenges or doubts. Looking back, I realise that this approach was driven by a deep-seated desire for acceptance and legitimacy, a longing to prove that, after 20 years of being a Master Mason, I still belonged within the Masonic tradition despite my gender identity.
At the same time, beneath the nervousness and fear, there was also a glimmer of hope and excitement. I had given my word to a dear friend, who knew and accepted me as a transgender woman, to support him in his profound lecture on Squaring the Circle. This commitment held a special significance for me, as it represented an opportunity to show up as my authentic self within a Masonic context, to stand alongside a brother who saw and valued me for who I truly am. The anticipation of this moment of solidarity and connection fueled my determination to attend the event, despite the butterflies in my stomach and the doubts in my mind.
Arrival
As I stepped into the Lodge for the event, I braced myself for the challenges and questions I had anticipated. However, to my surprise, none came. The brothers greeted me with the same handshakes and fraternal courtesies as always, and there were no overt signs of discomfort or disapproval regarding my transition. For those that I didn’t know, introducing myself as Jaime (it did bring me such joy to do so) didn’t raise so much as an eyebrow of those that have known me for so long. On the surface, it seemed like business as usual, as if nothing had changed. Yet, as I moved through the afternoon, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was profoundly different.
Despite the warm greetings and familiar faces, I found myself grappling with a pervasive sense of dissonance. As I interacted with men I had known for two decades, I realised that my own energy was vibrating at a different frequency. The rapport and connection that I had once felt seemed strangely absent, replaced by a subtle but unmistakable sense of misalignment. It was as if I was speaking a language that only I could understand, a language of authenticity and self-discovery that had no place in the conversations unfolding around me.
Throughout the lecture, I tried to immerse myself in the profound insights and symbolism of Squaring the Circle. My friend, Gabriel, was absolutely brilliant. I fulfilled my role as MC with diligence and enthusiasm, pouring my heart into the task at hand. Yet, even as I stood in front of the assembly, surrounded by the trappings of Masonic ritual and tradition, the dissonance continued to grow. I felt like an outsider looking in, a cowan, an eavesdropper privy to secrets that were not meant for me. The very space that had once felt like a second home now seemed alien and unwelcoming, a stark reminder of the chasm between my authentic self and the expectations of the craft.
As the afternoon wore on, the sense of disorientation and dysphoria intensified. I found myself questioning my place within Freemasonry, wondering if there was still room for me in a tradition that seemed so rigidly bound to binary notions of gender. The discomfort I felt was not the result of any overt hostility or rejection, but rather a profound realisation that my own identity and experience no longer fit within the narrow confines of the Masonic worldview. It was a painful and destabilising epiphany, one that left me reeling long after the last handshake had been exchanged and the lights had been dimmed.
What of the future?
Now home from the lecture, I find myself grappling with a profound sense of unease and disorientation. The experience had shaken me to my core, forcing me to confront the dissonance between my authentic self and the rigid gender norms of Freemasonry. As I reflect on the evening and the article I had originally published in this space, I realise that my approach needed to change. The detailed esoteric treatise I had planned no longer felt relevant or meaningful in light of the emotional upheaval I had experienced.
Instead, I feel compelled to take a more introspective and personal approach, to share the raw and unfiltered truth of my own journey. I realise that the most powerful testament I could offer was not a scholarly analysis of historical texts and symbols, but rather a candid account of the challenges, doubts, and realisations that had shape my own path. By focusing on my lived experience and the emotional landscape of my transition, I hope to create a more authentic and relatable narrative, one that could speak to the hearts of others who may be grappling with similar questions and struggles.
As I sit with this decision now, I feel a mixture of vulnerability and empowerment. Choosing to share my story in such an intimate and unguarded way is a daunting prospect, one that leaves me feeling exposed and uncertain. Yet, at the same time, there is a sense of liberation in embracing my truth and giving voice to the complex realities of being a transgender person in a tradition that has long been defined by binary notions of gender. I know that my words may not be easy for some to hear, and that my experiences may challenge deeply held beliefs and assumptions within the craft. But I also believe that by speaking my truth, I am opening up a space for honest dialogue and reflection, a space where others can bring their own doubts, fears, and hopes to the table.
Looking ahead, I find myself questioning my future involvement in Freemasonry. The disorientation and dysphoria I experienced at the event have left me feeling unsettled and uncertain about my place there. As my membership comes up for renewal at the end of the year, I will grapple with the difficult decision of whether to continue on this path or to step away and explore new avenues for personal and spiritual growth.
A Perfect Ashlar
The decision to potentially step away from Freemasonry weighs heavily on my heart, as the craft has been an integral part of my life and my personal growth for so many years. It’s important to recognise that my gender journey and my Masonic journey have not been separate paths, but rather two intertwined aspects of my overall quest for self-discovery and authenticity. The process of Masonic initiation, with its emphasis on the removal of superfluities and the perfecting of the ashlar, has been mirrored in my own journey of shedding the false layers of identity and uncovering my true self as a transgender woman.
In many ways, my transition is the ultimate fulfillment of the work I began as an Entered Apprentice, a tangible manifestation of the promises and assurances I made to myself and to the craft. The Masonic concepts of Gnosis, self-knowledge, and personal transformation have been at the very heart of my journey, guiding me towards a deeper understanding of my own essence and purpose. As I have navigated the complex landscape of gender identity and expression, I have drawn strength and inspiration from the timeless wisdom of Masonic teachings, finding in them a framework for growth, resilience, and self-actualisation.
Yet, even as I acknowledge the profound ways in which Freemasonry has shaped my path, I also recognise that the current structure and practices of the craft may not fully align with my own identity and values as a transgender woman. The binary gender norms and the exclusion of women from certain aspects of Masonic life create a dissonance that I cannot ignore, a tension between my authentic self and the traditions of the institution. It is a painful realisation, one that forces me to grapple with difficult questions about my future involvement and the possibility of finding new spaces for spiritual and personal growth.
Ultimately, I understand that this process of questioning and self-discovery is an ongoing one, a journey that may not have easy answers or tidy resolutions. But by sharing my story and my struggles, I hope to contribute to a larger conversation about the future of Freemasonry and the role of transgender and gender non-conforming individuals within the craft. I believe that my experiences, both as a Mason and as a transgender person, can offer valuable insights and perspectives that can enrich and deepen our understanding of the craft and its potential for inclusivity and transformation.
Perhaps, in some small way, my words can serve as a reminder that the core principles of Freemasonry – the pursuit of truth, the cultivation of virtue, and the recognition of the inherent worth and dignity of every individual – are not limited by gender or any other aspect of identity. By embracing the full diversity of human experience and the myriad paths to self-discovery, we can create a more vibrant, compassionate, and authentic Masonic community, one that truly embodies the highest ideals of the craft. And in doing so, we can provide hope, solidarity, and support for all those who are navigating their own unique journeys through the complex landscape of gender, spirituality, and tradition.