Redefining Father’s Day: A Transfemme Parent’s Journey

As an autistic transgender woman who has been married to my wife for over 25 years (and together almost 30), our family is an integral part of my identity. Together, we have five wonderful children. Two of them are currently away at college, whilst the other three live at home. Our oldest, who is also autistic (like me, but not at all like me, if that makes sense), lives with us whilst attending college, and our other two at home are teenage boys.

For me, “Father's Day” has always felt somewhat forced and commercial, a creation seemingly designed to stimulate our consumer-driven economy. Despite its intended purpose of honouring fathers, the day has often felt disconnected from the true essence of parenthood and family.

In today’s article, I want to delve into what my role as a “father” means now that I am openly living as a transfemme individual, happily married to a cis-female. I aim to explore how traditional concepts of Father’s Day intersect with my transgender identity and how we, as a family, navigate this celebration in a way that feels genuine and affirming.

Personal Identity and Roles

I've never been a traditionally masculine father, even before coming out and starting my transition. My parenting style has always leaned more towards nurturing and caregiving rather than being a dominant or disciplinarian figure. This approach aligns more with a traditional West Highland female role than with the typical American male archetype. My wife has always found this aspect of my personality attractive, appreciating that I’m not the brutish, overly masculine type.

When it comes to how my children address us, they still use “mother” and “father,” and that’s perfectly fine with us. I don’t want to intrude on my wife’s space as “mother” or “mom.” I deeply respect and cherish her role and the unique bond she has with our children. Since I am the “provider,” working outside the home, the title “father” remains suitable and functional. Occasionally, I playfully refer to myself as the “parental unit,” a nod to the old Coneheads movie, adding a bit of humour to our family dynamic.

Being transfemme is a significant part of my identity. It reflects how I feel about myself and how I aspire to present to the world, especially as the effects of hormone replacement therapy (HRT) become more pronounced. This journey is not just about physical changes but also about embracing a more authentic version of myself. My parenting style, which naturally blends traditionally masculine and feminine qualities, has always been an integral part of who I am. It allows me to connect with my children in a way that feels genuine and fulfilling.

As a transfemme parent, I navigate the balance of maintaining traditional roles and redefining them to better fit my true self. This blend of identities enriches my relationship with my family, allowing me to offer a diverse and supportive presence in my children’s lives.

Family Dynamics

My wife’s support has been a cornerstone of my journey through life (from before my autism diagnosis, to learning to read, and now coming out as trans). Her affirming attitude has alleviated much of the nervousness I initially felt before coming out. Our relationship has deepened through our “girl talk” sessions, allowing us to connect on levels we hadn’t before. She’s not only been supportive but also proactive, exploring what it means to be in a relationship with a trans woman. She has joined online groups, read books from other couples in similar situations, and continuously educates herself, showing immense dedication to our relationship and my identity.

Our children have adapted remarkably well to my transition. The younger generations, it seems, are naturally more open to change and diversity. They accepted my new identity with ease, understanding and supporting me in ways that sometimes even surprised me. It’s a reminder of how adaptable and resilient children can be. In contrast, it’s interesting to observe how older generations often resist such changes. This resistance is akin to my grandparents’ generation opposing Rock and Roll or my parents’ generation pushing boundaries during the Summer of Love. Now, ironically, the Flower Children of the past seem to be the ones struggling with new societal shifts.

Being a role model for authenticity and acceptance is something I take very seriously. By living openly and honestly, I hope to instill these values in my children. It’s important for them to see that embracing one’s true self is not only possible but also fulfilling. This openness creates a supportive environment where they feel safe to explore and express their identities. I believe that my journey can teach them about the importance of acceptance, resilience, and the strength found in authenticity.

In our family, the dynamics have evolved to reflect a deeper understanding and acceptance of who I am, and who we all are both individually and collectively. This has brought us closer together, reinforcing the bonds of love and support that define our family. Through this journey, I hope to demonstrate to my children that living authentically is the key to a fulfilling and harmonious life.

Societal Expectations

Challenging traditional gender roles and societal expectations around parenthood seems like it’s becoming a significant part of my journey. The American and Western notion of “father” often serves as a reinforcement of patriarchy and empire, promoting an image of dominance and authority. In contrast, my approach to fatherhood blends aspects of my culture’s version of “father” with those of “mother.” This combination allows me to embody a nurturing, caring role that feels more authentic and aligns with my transfemme identity.

The commodification of every aspect of life in Western society often renders families like mine invisible. There’s little profit to be made from acknowledging the existence of transgender parents, so we are frequently overlooked by mainstream narratives. Additionally, Western media tends to thrive on spectacle and conflict, neither of which are features of my family’s dynamic. Our journey is one of acceptance, support, and quiet strength—qualities that don’t generate sensational headlines but are deeply valuable in reshaping societal norms.

Visibility and representation of transgender parents in media and society are crucial. When transgender parents are portrayed in the media, it helps to normalise our experiences and foster greater understanding and acceptance. Seeing families like mine represented can provide comfort and validation to others in similar situations, showing them that they are not alone. It also educates the broader public, helping to dismantle prejudices and misconceptions about what it means to be a transgender parent.

My journey contributes to breaking stereotypes and reshaping societal perceptions of fatherhood. By living authentically and embracing my transfemme identity, I challenge the rigid gender roles that have long defined parenthood. My experience demonstrates that parenting is not about conforming to traditional roles but about providing love, support, and guidance to one’s children. It shows that fatherhood, and indeed parenthood, can encompass a wide range of expressions and identities.

As such, my experience as a transfemme parent not only challenges traditional norms but also highlights the need for greater visibility and representation. By sharing my journey, I hope to contribute to a broader understanding and acceptance of diverse family dynamics, paving the way for a more inclusive society.

Emotional and Psychological Impact

The emotional journey of embracing my transfemme identity has been one of profound personal growth. Transitioning has allowed me to connect more deeply with myself and, in turn, with my family. The joy and transformation brought about by HRT have significantly expanded my ability to connect and communicate. I find that I can express my thoughts and emotions more freely and authentically, which has enriched my relationships and brought a new level of intimacy to my family life.

Overcoming dysphoria has been one of the biggest challenges in my transition. Before coming out, dysphoria was a constant, nagging presence in my life, affecting my mental and emotional well-being. Embracing my true identity has helped alleviate much of this discomfort. However, dysphoria still lingers, especially around clothing and my appearance in photographs. At 6’7,” finding a wardrobe that fits and feels right is a continuous challenge. Seeing myself in pictures can sometimes trigger feelings of inadequacy or discomfort. Despite these challenges, each step towards a more authentic presentation brings me closer to a sense of peace and self-acceptance.

My transition has had a profoundly positive impact on my relationships with my spouse and children. The deepening of my emotional capacity and the authenticity I now bring to my interactions have strengthened our bonds. My wife and I share a more intimate connection, enjoying “girl talk” sessions and exploring new dimensions of our relationship. My children have adapted well to the changes, showing acceptance and support that fills me with pride and gratitude. Their open-mindedness and resilience are a testament to the strength of our family.

Despite the joys of this journey, I sometimes worry about the attention my transition brings. Coming out as trans is a profound change that can often put the spotlight on me, and I strive to ensure that my wife’s and children’s needs and feelings are not overshadowed. It is important to me that they feel supported and valued, and I make a conscious effort to maintain a balance that honours their experiences and emotions.

In navigating these emotional and psychological landscapes, I have found a new level of personal growth and fulfilment. My journey as a transfemme parent continues to evolve, bringing with it challenges and triumphs that shape our family’s narrative. Through it all, the unwavering support of my wife and children has been my anchor, guiding me towards a future filled with love, understanding, and authentic connections.

Celebrating Father’s Day

Creating new traditions that honour my identity on Father’s Day is an exciting opportunity to redefine what this day means for our family. I tend to reject the typical Western impulse that holiday rituals should involve spending beyond one’s means as a demonstration of love. Going into debt is not, in my view, a valid or necessary display of affection or appreciation. Instead, I believe in creating meaningful and heartfelt experiences that celebrate our bonds and individuality.

This year, we began a new tradition that holds deep personal significance. In a very touching moment, my wife “re-gifted” a Coach wallet of hers to me for Father’s Day. She pointed out that I was still using my old masculine wallet, which looked out of place in my new purse. This thoughtful gesture was not about the monetary value of the gift but about her recognition and affirmation of my identity. It was a beautiful moment that underscored the importance of thoughtful, meaningful gestures over commercialised expressions of love.

For inclusive celebrations that recognise diverse forms of fatherhood, we focus on activities that bring our family closer together. These can include shared meals, where each family member contributes a dish, or a day spent outdoors enjoying nature. We might also spend time reflecting on and sharing stories about our journey as a family, celebrating the unique roles each of us plays. Emphasising experiences and connections over material gifts allows us to honour the essence of fatherhood in a way that feels genuine and inclusive. Or, we can just engage in our favourite activity together, playing video games.

Reflecting on past Father’s Day celebrations, I can see how they have evolved alongside my journey. Before my transition, the day often felt awkward and disconnected from my true self. The celebrations were more about conforming to societal expectations than about genuine appreciation. Now, our celebrations are more aligned with our values and my identity. We prioritise meaningful interactions and affirmations of love and support over traditional norms.

As we continue to celebrate Father’s Day in ways that honor my transfemme identity, I hope to inspire other families to do the same. By embracing our unique journeys and creating inclusive traditions, we can redefine what it means to celebrate fatherhood, making it a more authentic and meaningful experience for all.

Final thoughts …

In exploring “Father’s Day” from the perspective of a transfemme parent, we’ve delved into personal identity and roles, family dynamics, societal expectations, emotional and psychological impacts, and the creation of new, inclusive traditions. My journey has highlighted the blending of traditionally masculine and feminine qualities, the importance of a supportive family environment, and the ongoing challenge of overcoming dysphoria.

Acceptance, visibility, and representation for transgender parents are crucial. By sharing our stories and experiences, we can foster greater understanding and pave the way for a more inclusive society. Celebrating diverse forms of parenthood not only enriches our lives but also sets a powerful example for future generations.

As we move forward, I am hopeful that inclusive celebrations will become the norm, honoring the unique identities and contributions of all parents. Together, we can create a world where every family’s love and authenticity are celebrated and respected.