Why is gaslighting so harmful to autistics?

Why Autistic Minds Are Especially Vulnerable to Gaslighting—and What Therapists Need to Understand to Help, Not Harm

Gaslighting deeply harms autistic people—especially GLPs with alexithymia and hyper-empathy—by distorting reality, eroding trust in self, and compounding trauma. Talk therapy must adapt to our needs, not pathologise them.

Introduction

There are a ton of articles and comments floating around social media that feature a word that many might not be familiar with - “gaslighting.” I wondered why it seemed to be popping up so frequently. My relentless autistic brain decided it needed a deep dive. So, here’s what I found out.

The term is not new. Rather, the term “gaslighting” originated from the 1938 play Gas Light by British dramatist Patrick Hamilton. The play centres around a husband that manipulates his wife into believing she is losing her sanity. He does this by dimming the gas lights in their home and then denying it is happening, making her question her own perception.

The term “gaslighting” eventually evolved from just referencing the literal dimming of gas lights to more broadly describing the form of psychological manipulation seen in Hamilton's play. It entered into pop psychology lexicon in the 1960s to describe how an abuser can methodically distort the truth to confuse a victim and erode their sense of reality.

Whilst the actual term gaslighting originated in the mid 20th century, the manipulative tactics it describes have been around far longer. However, Hamilton’s works shined a light (pun intended) on such psychological abuse in domestic relationships and gave a name to the insidious practice. The term became more widely known through the film adaptations and has steadily gained mainstream recognition ever since.

With this in mind, gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and abuse where the perpetrator deliberately distorts the truth or reality in order to confuse, disorient and destabilize the victim. The abuser attempts to make the victim question their own memory, perception, judgement, and sanity by denying facts, lying, withholding information, misrepresenting events, or through subtle and covert means. This is done systematically over time to gain power and control over the victim, avoid accountability for their actions, and project their own insecurities onto them. Gaslighting erodes the victim’s self-esteem, confidence, and trust in their own judgement, often leaving them in a perpetual state of confusion, self-doubt, anxiety, and despair. The effects of gaslighting include cognitive dissonance, traumatic bonding, fear, depression, and physical symptoms due to chronic stress. Recovery involves seeking professional help, validating one’s own experiences, practicing self-care, and removing oneself from the abusive situation.

That’s the textbook version. When the victim of gaslighting is autistic, especially those that are gestalt language processors (aka non-verbal), and/or alexithymic, and/or hyper-empathic, it can get much, much worse.

Gaslighting and gestalt language processing + alexithymia

Many autistic people experience challenges with emotional recognition and verbal / vocal expression. This, alexithymia, makes it difficult for us to identify our own feelings or their source, understand the emotions of others, and find the words to describe our inner experiences. When coupled with autism’s hallmark difficulties with communication, sensory processing, and need for structure, alexithymia leaves us exceptionally vulnerable to the mind-bending manipulation of gaslighting.

The ambiguous, emotionally-charged dynamics of gaslighting wreak havoc on an autistic person’s ability to trust their own perceptions and judgements. Gaslighters capitalise on an alexithymic autistic’s impaired ability to recognise emotions and social cues, projecting their own feelings whilst denying the victim’s. The ensuing self-doubt and confusion stemming from the distorted reality of gaslighting can intensify autistic sensitivities to disruption. This may ultimately lead to greater anxiety, emotional dysregulation, and deterioration of mental health.

Gaslighting and gestalt language processing + alexithymia + hyper-empathy

Whilst alexithymia involves difficulty identifying and sourcing one’s own emotions, hyper-empathy means the autistic person may be exceptionally attuned to the feelings of others ... absorbing them unconsciously … and feeling them as their own.

Our often heightened empathy may also drive us to over-identify with the gaslighter’s emotions and perspective. This could prolong our entanglement in the abusive relationship, obscuring our own reality and emotional needs.

Furthermore, hyper-empathy can intensify the self-blame, confusion, and depression resulting from gaslighting, as we continue caring about and attributing positive intentions to our abuser. Setting firm boundaries will require overriding this empathic impulse, which can be quite impossible in certain situations.

Additionally, the constant flood of emotional stimuli due to hyper-empathy could exacerbate sensory and information processing challenges. This makes it even harder for us to filter out the gaslighter’s distortions from objective truth.

As you may begin to see, the “emotional sponge” tendency of hyper-empathy could further complicate things for an autistic alexithymic hyper-empathic victim of gaslighting. Here are a few key implications to consider:

• Absorbing the gaslighter’s emotions without filtering them can reinforce self-doubt and confusion, as the victim takes on the distorted perspectives and negativity of the abuser (alexithymia’s tendency to not be able to correctly source emotions).

• With hyper-empathy, the victim may absorb the gaslighter’s anger, anxiety, or distress. This risks triggering emotional dysregulation, sensory overload, or shutdowns in the victim.

• By soaking up the gaslighter’s emotions, the autistic person can lose touch with their own feelings, needs, and reality. This makes it harder for them to recognise and extricate from the abusive dynamics.

• The emotional flooding from becoming an “empathic sponge” can lead to adrenal fatigue, emotional numbness, and physical exhaustion over time, compounding trauma.

• Suppressing their own emotions to appease and emotionally resonate with the gaslighter may further entrench coping mechanisms like masking, overwhelm sensory thresholds.

• Seeking external validation from therapists or family may prove difficult if the victim is unable to disconnect from the gaslighter’s inner state to describe their own.

Thus, whilst hyper-empathy has advantages in terms of emotional perception, it also has huge risks in the context of gaslighting. The victim would need help prioritising their own feelings and healing. Therapeutic approaches leveraging their empathic strengths whilst mitigating susceptibility to manipulation are important. Indeed, the complex trauma inflicted on the victim in this way warrants compassionate understanding. Unpacking it all requires the right therapist.

Talk therapy and gestalt language processing autistics

Entering talk therapy presents considerable challenges for a GLP, hyper-empathic autistic individual with alexithymia who has endured gaslighting. The very nature of our neurological and developmental differences leaves us vulnerable to misunderstanding and dismissal if these needs go unrecognised.

From the start, the verbal demands of articulating complex emotional trauma may feel overwhelming. How does therapy work if the GLP has no scripts available to discuss the problem? The autistic GLP victim’s struggles to find the words, make eye contact, or clearly convey their experiences are often misinterpreted as resistance or lack of engagement by untrained therapists. Our unfamiliar affect and fidgeting shouldn't be taken as markers of disinterest or insincerity.

Pushing traditional talk therapy modalities without accommodations for the autistic mind can worsen the feelings of self-doubt fueled by gaslighting. Closing one’s eyes for visualisation or imagining future scenarios may prove impossible. The therapist's abstract metaphors and probing conceptual questions may confuse, not clarify. These neurodivergent needs require patience and adjusting therapeutic approaches.

Above all, the therapist must recognise that the autistic victim’s distressed reactions and atypical social behaviour result from neurological differences, not willful obstruction. Only through knowledge, empathy and adapting to the autistic experience can healing occur for those doubly challenged by alexithymia and deeply entrenched gaslighting trauma.

(Side bar: see this article on the Power Threat Meaning Framework to dive way deeper on this topic.)

Why aren’t more therapists knowledgeable about our neurotype?

There are a few key reasons why many therapists still lack understanding and competency in working with autistic patients, despite the APA’s position as the leading psychiatric organisation in the US.

Firstly, awareness and formal training specific to autism remains limited in many graduate psychotherapy programs. Coursework disproportionately emphasises treating patients from the neuro-majority. Stigma and misconceptions around autism persist within the field, and curriculum seldom highlights the latest research or best practices for serving this community.

Additionally, whilst diagnostic criteria and assessments for autism have advanced, they are not yet used universally in intake processes. Patients themselves may mask symptoms or remain undiagnosed well into adulthood. Thus, a therapist may unknowingly treat an autistic patient without recognising adaptations needed.

Furthermore, prevailing attitudes presume a “one-size-fits-all” approach centered around the majority’s norms of communication, cognition, and behaviour. Rigid adherence to manualised treatment models may preclude the flexibility and nuance needed to effectively support autistic clients.

Lastly, despite the prevalence of alexithymia in autism, assessment tools specific to identifying this concurrent challenge are underutilised. Its obscuring effect on emotion identification poses barriers therapists often miss.

What to look for in a therapist?

Considering that I lost most of my 20s to ill-informed therapists who were more akin to drug dealers, I wondered if things have gotten better since then (the 90’s). If I was looking for a therapist today to unpack my complex trauma and childhood abuse, what would I be looking for?

• Specialisation in autism - Deep understanding of autistic communication, cognitive patterns, sensory needs, and social relating is vital. This avoids misinterpreting behaviours.

• Training in trauma-informed care - This approach addresses both the symptoms and root causes of trauma through compassionate, person-centred methods suitable for diverse populations.

• Emotion identification skills - Helping the autistic client expand their emotional vocabulary (their gestalts) and build interoceptive awareness is crucial.

• Boundary-building techniques - The therapist should guide setting firm boundaries to counteract hyper-empathy and enmeshment with the gaslighter.

• Validation of the client’s reality - Believing and reinforcing the client’s perspective counters the systemic distortion of gaslighting.

• Neurodiversity affirmation - Positive regard for autistic neurology and challenges lessens shame and self-blame.

• Flexibility and accommodation - Adjustments to communication, environment, and activities empower the client.

• Patience and compassion - Recognising limitations stemming from autism and alexithymia, not willful resistance.

• Awareness / Grounding in the Power Threat Meaning Framework: The PTMF is an amazingly functional lens by which to base one’s practice.

What about those autistic adults still living at home … and enduring gaslighting?

Considering the many autistic adults who still live with parents / relatives, I wondered about those who’s caregiver was the gaslighter. Being subjected to gaslighting whilst under the same roof as one’s abuser is an extremely challenging circumstance. However, there are certain strategies that can help counteract the manipulative fog when unable to immediately leave the toxic environment.

Seeking any form of external support can provide much-needed perspective and validation. Even just connecting online or by phone with a trauma-informed therapist or support group can remind one that their own perceptions and memories are real. Journaling incidents privately can also help spot patterns and inconsistencies.

Limiting unnecessary interactions with gaslighters in the home reduces exposure to the distorting manipulation. Though difficult, spending more time out of the house, keeping exchanges brief, boring abusers with non-emotional responses (aka, greyrocking), and avoiding sensitive topics can be protective baby steps.

Discreetly building one’s toolkit for eventual independence is paramount. This means quietly securing essential documentation, education, employment, and savings whilst trapped under the gaslighter’s roof. Having an emotional and economic escape route mapped out provides hope.

Whilst exceptionally challenging, it is possible to minimise the toxins of gaslighting internally all the while plotting an external escape. Drawing strength from safe relationships, record-keeping, boundaries, and inner resilience can help one hold on to reality until the gaslighter’s grip is broken for good. Patience and self-care help persist through this painful limbo period.