What’s Really Causing Autism? Spoiler: It’s Not Vaccines or Wi-Fi

Scientists have finally made a groundbreaking discovery that will undoubtedly change everything we thought we knew about autism. Forget about car exhaust, Wi-Fi signals, or your Aunt Karen’s theories about kids spending too much time indoors. The real cause of autism is—brace yourself—neurodivergent adults having the audacity to procreate. Yes, you heard that right. After years of speculation, researchers have pinpointed the culprit behind the so-called autism surge: autistic people simply existing, falling in love, and having kids. Naturally, the news has sent shockwaves through society.

“This discovery is monumental,” said Dr. Ima Stereotype, lead researcher at the Institute of Overblown Conclusions. “For years, we’ve been chasing environmental factors, toxins, even parenting styles. Who would’ve thought the real culprit was parents being autistic themselves?” Who indeed? Whilst this finding should come as no surprise to anyone with a grasp of basic genetics, the sensational coverage has taken it to absurd heights, framing it as the ultimate piece of scientific detective work.

Of course, this revelation dovetails nicely with the arguments of Leonard Sax, whose recent opinion piece boldly claimed that autism isn’t a real condition but merely the “medicalisation of misbehaviour.” Sax contends that the rise in diagnoses is not because of better recognition of neurodivergence but rather society slapping medical labels on children who, in another era, would have simply been considered quirky, stubborn, or unruly. Naturally, this discovery about neurodivergent adults having kids adds fuel to his fire. What’s more rebellious, after all, than autistic adults thriving, dating, and reproducing? Surely Sax would agree this is where the madness must stop. His vision of a world free of unnecessary diagnoses could easily extend to a world free of neurodivergent parenting—and why not? Maybe rebellious pigeons should be diagnosed next for their failure to follow traffic rules.

The study behind the big revelation was published in the prestigious Journal of Overblown Conclusions and tracked 500,000 neurodivergent adults over a decade. Researchers found that 87% of their children inherited at least one neurodivergent trait. The study’s lead scientist explained, “It’s not rocket science. If you mix blue paint with blue paint, you don’t get red.” The methodology, however, leaves something to be desired. Critics note the heavy reliance on connecting random dots and squinting at graphs until a trend magically appears. But Dr. Stereotype remains confident: “Our work is as rigorous as it gets.” Never mind the footnote admitting that the sample size might not reflect reality and that results are highly speculative.

Unsurprisingly, the study’s publication has sparked a flurry of reactions, most of them entirely irrational. Some internet commentators have suggested banning neurodivergent people from having children, a suggestion that veers so far into eugenics territory it’s almost impressive. Lawmakers, meanwhile, have begun floating ideas for mandatory genetic counselling for anyone with a neurodivergence diagnosis. “It’s not about discrimination,” one representative clarified. “It’s about protecting society from… well… thinking differently, I guess?” In the spirit of solving a problem that doesn’t exist, some tech entrepreneurs have even proposed neurodivergent-only dating apps. One such app, tentatively titled “Spectrum Match,” promises to connect users while offering a slim chance of producing a neurotypical baby. Naturally, critics have pointed out that this idea is absurd and entirely misses the point.

Interestingly, this discovery has also rendered previous theories about autism entirely obsolete. Past studies blamed everything from microwave dinners to vaccines to overly friendly squirrels. But now, the focus has shifted to what truly matters: neurodivergent adults having kids. “Clearly, we’ve been focused on the wrong kind of greenhouse gases,” joked Dr. Stereotype. “Who knew love and connection could be so toxic?” Anti-vaxxers are reportedly struggling to adapt to this news, lamenting the loss of their favourite scapegoat. “We’ll think of something,” one spokesperson said. “Maybe fluoride in the water? Or TikTok dances?”

Leonard Sax, for his part, has a characteristically simple solution to the so-called autism epidemic: stop diagnosing it. “If we stop looking for autism, it won’t exist anymore,” Sax has argued. “Just like poverty disappears when you stop counting the homeless.” His logic, whilst profoundly flawed, is strangely elegant in its simplicity. Why stop at autism? With this approach, we could eliminate obesity by banning scales and solve climate change by refusing to look up at the sky.

The reality, of course, is that rising autism diagnoses aren’t a crisis. They’re a sign of progress. Better awareness, improved diagnostic tools, and a more inclusive understanding of neurodiversity mean that more people are getting the recognition and support they deserve. Autism isn’t a disorder to be feared or “cured.” It’s a natural variation of human existence. The social model of disability reminds us that the real barriers autistic people face aren’t internal—they’re societal. Misleading headlines and outdated attitudes, like those Sax champions, do far more harm than any uptick in diagnoses.

Autistic people aren’t created by environmental factors or bad parenting. We’ve always been here, contributing to the rich diversity of humanity. Instead of focusing on why there are “so many autistic people now,” perhaps society should focus on making the world a better, more inclusive place for us. In the meantime, neurodivergent adults will continue to live, love, and—gasp!—have kids. And the future will be all the better for it, filled with thinkers, creators, and people who understand the difference between correlation and causation. Those panicking over the rise in autism might want to save their energy for something truly alarming—like Sax’s next column.