Triumph Over Anxiety: How HRT Helped Me Conquer the RICA
The RICA, or Reading Instruction Competence Assessment, is notorious among aspiring California multi-subject and Special Education teachers as one of the most daunting exams in the field. With its staggering failure rate and the immense pressure it places on candidates, the mere thought of facing the RICA can induce significant anxiety. For many, it represents a seemingly insurmountable hurdle on the path to a teaching credential. My own journey through the RICA was no different; in fact, the emotional toll it took on me during the first two subtests was nearly unbearable. As a non-verbal autistic person, the anxiety and panic I experienced were overwhelming, leading to severe meltdowns that left me drained and uncertain of how I had managed to pass at all. However, a profound shift occurred between Subtests 2 and 3—by the time I sat for the final subtest, I had been on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) for a few months. This transition made an extraordinary difference in my ability to cope with the stress of the exam, leading to what was, for the first time, a meltdown-free experience during a major test.
The Emotional Toll of Subtests 1 and 2
The stakes surrounding the RICA are incredibly high for educators in California. Passing this test is not just a formality; it’s a critical requirement for moving from a Preliminary Level 1 credential, which is valid for only five years, to a Clear Level 2 credential that is essential for long-term teaching. Failing to pass the RICA can have dire consequences: many educators find themselves unable to continue in the profession after their Preliminary credential expires, forced either to leave the field they are passionate about or to start the arduous process of becoming a teacher all over again—a path that few choose to take. For some, the only remaining option is to join the ranks of substitute teachers, a role that often lacks the stability and fulfilment of a full-time teaching position.
This intense pressure weighed heavily on me as I prepared for Subtests 1 and 2. The anxiety I felt was all-consuming, permeating every aspect of my life during those weeks. Me being me, my ability to manage overwhelming emotions is already a challenge, and the added stress of this high-stakes exam only exacerbated my struggles. On the day of each subtest, the panic was so severe that I experienced full-blown autistic meltdowns, both during and after the exams. The sensory overload, coupled with the crushing weight of the exam’s importance, made it nearly impossible to focus. I remember sitting in the testing room, my mind a storm of chaos, struggling to process the questions in front of me while simultaneously battling the intense waves of anxiety that threatened to engulf me. After each test, I was left utterly drained, my body and mind exhausted from the emotional upheaval. Despite being well-prepared academically, the severity of my anxiety was such that I genuinely didn’t know how I had managed to pass those first two subtests. The experience was so traumatic that the thought of facing the final subtest filled me with dread, making me question whether I could endure such an ordeal again.
The Shift: Starting HRT
If you’ve been reading my articles for a while, you know that my journey toward beginning HRT was one that involved long and careful deliberation. As a trans woman, the decision to medically transition was something I had contemplated for quite a while, weighing the potential benefits against the societal and personal challenges I might face. My trans journey itself began long before I ever sat down to take the RICA, marked by deep reflection, self-discovery, and a growing understanding of my true identity. Ultimately, the hope that HRT could help align my physical self with my inner identity became too powerful to ignore, leading me to begin the therapy. The timing of this decision, coinciding with my preparations for the final RICA subtest, was purely coincidental, yet it would prove to be profoundly significant.
Almost immediately after starting HRT, I began to notice subtle but positive changes in my emotional state. The constant undercurrent of anxiety that had long been a part of my daily life started to ebb, replaced by a growing sense of calm and emotional stability. For the first time in years, I felt a quietude within me, as though the relentless internal storm that had defined so much of my existence was finally beginning to subside. These early effects were both surprising and deeply reassuring, offering a glimpse into the transformative power of HRT not just in terms of physical changes, but in fostering a sense of mental and emotional well-being. As I approached the date for Subtest 3, I realised that I was facing the exam with a new kind of resolve—a sense of preparedness not only academically but also emotionally. This shift set the stage for what would become a truly remarkable experience on test day, one that starkly contrasted with the anxiety-ridden ordeals of my earlier subtests.
The Subtest 3 Experience: A Milestone
As the date for Subtest 3 approached, I couldn’t help but feel the usual flutter of pre-test nerves. After all, the RICA is an infamously challenging exam, and Subtest 3 is particularly notorious due to its demanding “Case Study” section. For someone like me, a gestalt language processor (GLP) (aka, non-verbal), the format of the RICA poses unique challenges. There is simply no way to have pre-prepared scripts for a multiple-choice question pool that spans thousands of possibilities. The open-ended nature of the Case Study’s constructed response (essay question), which could encompass any aspect of reading instruction, adds an additional layer of unpredictability. This meant that I would have to rely heavily on my experience and instinct, rather than on rehearsed responses. Normally, this would have been a recipe for disaster, leading to the kind of overwhelming stress that had triggered meltdowns in previous subtests. But this time, something was different.
On test day, I walked into the exam room with a sense of calm that I had never before experienced in such a high-pressure situation. Yes, I was nervous—there’s no escaping that when the stakes are so high—but the anxiety that had previously crippled me was noticeably subdued. As I began working through the test, I found that I was able to stay focused and composed, even when faced with the dreaded Case Study. The complex scenarios and nuanced questions that might have sent me spiraling in the past were now challenges I could meet with a clear mind. Instead of being consumed by panic, I was able to draw upon my training and experience, approaching each question methodically and with a level of confidence that was completely new to me.
When I walked out of the testing room, it was with a profound sense of accomplishment—not just because I had completed the test, but because I had done so without experiencing a meltdown. For the first time in my life, I had faced a major exam and emerged emotionally intact. This was a completely new experience for me, and the relief and pride I felt were overwhelming. The absence of a meltdown, something I had come to expect as an inevitable part of my test-taking experience, felt like a victory in itself. I realised that HRT had not only helped align my body with my true identity, but it had also granted me an emotional stability that allowed me to face one of the most feared tests in my profession with a calm and focus I had never known before.
Reflection: The Role of HRT in Emotional Stability
Reflecting on my experience with Subtest 3, I am convinced that HRT played a crucial role in the emotional stability I experienced on test day. Since beginning hormone replacement therapy, which includes both anti-androgens and oestrogen, I have noticed a significant shift in my mental state, particularly in high-stress situations like the RICA. The anti-androgens, which work to reduce the levels of testosterone in my body, and the oestrogen, which supports the development of feminine physical characteristics, have also brought about profound changes in my emotional landscape. I believe these hormonal adjustments have helped modulate my anxiety, allowing me to approach challenges with a newfound calm and clarity that I had never experienced before. This is particularly striking given the intensity of the RICA and the fact that it had previously triggered severe meltdowns during the first two subtests.
The implications of this experience extend far beyond my personal journey. For other trans individuals or people struggling with anxiety and panic disorders, the stabilising effects of HRT could offer a similar path to emotional resilience. Whilst it’s important to acknowledge that everyone’s experience with HRT is unique and that outcomes can vary widely, my experience suggests that hormone therapy can have significant benefits for mental health, especially in managing stress and anxiety. This realisation is both empowering and hopeful, as it highlights the potential of HRT not just for physical transformation, but for enhancing emotional well-being and stability. For me, the shift brought about by HRT has been nothing short of transformative, enabling me to face one of the most feared professional challenges with a calmness and focus that had previously been out of reach.
A Victory Beyond Passing
Passing all three subtests of the RICA is an achievement that fills me with immense pride, not just because I’ve cleared one of the most challenging hurdles in my teaching career, but because I did so with a level of emotional resilience I never thought possible. Earning a 3 out of 4 on the constructed response Case Study—widely regarded as one of the most difficult aspects of the exam—was a victory in itself, a testament to the countless hours of preparation and the intense focus I brought to the test. Over the course of four years, I invested nearly $900 in resources, including Study.com and private tutoring, to prepare for this exam. The relief of finally putting the RICA behind me is profound, but even more significant is the realization that I was able to complete this final subtest without experiencing the debilitating meltdowns that had plagued me in the past. Whilst it’s an anecdotal observation, I believe that HRT played a pivotal role in this breakthrough, helping me to approach the test with a calm and clarity that was previously out of reach.
As I now turn my attention to the CTEL tests to finalize my English Language Learner authorisations, I do so with a renewed sense of hope and confidence—grateful that I have HRT on my side from the very beginning of this next challenge. For anyone facing similar struggles, whether in their professional or personal lives, I hope my story serves as a reminder that growth and stability are not just possible, but achievable. The journey to emotional resilience can be as significant as any professional milestone, and sometimes, the most meaningful victories are those that happen within.