The importance of social-emotional development
Being a school teacher, we’re constantly bombarded by our employers and the corporations with whom they share our contact info about the importance of social-emotional development / learning (SEL) in children. Yet, almost all of this spam deals with neurotypical SEL.
With this in mind, a recent arrival in my spam bin caught my eye. Whilst the article outlines some of the typical strategies psychologists recommend for nurturing social-emotional growth in neurotypical children, the information presented is quite generic and, again, caters to neurotypical development. For parents with autistic children, it’s crucial to understand that this domain of development frequently progresses on a different timeline and path. The prescriptive nature of some of the tips may leave these parents feeling their child is ‘behind’ if rigid expectations around emotional skills aren’t met. However, acknowledging and embracing neurological differences from the start allows autistic children’s social-emotional abilities to flourish organically.
As I hope you know by now, autistic youth can and do display empathy, self-awareness, and relationship capacities in nuanced ways that can be overlooked if viewed solely through a neurotypical lens. Making space for alternative communication styles and emotional processing modes empowers them to grow at their own pace. For example, an autistic child may find expressing feelings through art more comfortable than direct conversation. Restricting them to neurotypical standards of verbal discussion and outward displays of emotions can impede meaningful growth by dismissing their unique strengths.
Different, not defective
For autistic children with Level 2 or 3 support requirements, social-emotional skills frequently manifest in less conventional ways. For example, an autistic teen with limited verbal capacity may struggle to name emotions, yet demonstrate self-awareness by stimulating calm through repetitive movements when upset. An autistic 8-year-old with high anxiety may not initiate peer relationships, but show impressive empathy for animals at a rescue shelter. Growth looks different, but no less meaningful.
The developmental roadmap laid out in this article emphasises verbal discussion of feelings, overt displays of emotional regulation, and reciprocal communication with others. For many autistics, especially those with functional language impairment (like me), such skills remain aspirational even into adulthood—and that is perfectly okay. With roughly 60% of the autistic population being gestalt processors, expecting conversational mastery around emotions is ableist and denies unique modes of social-emotional expression. Approaching development with “progress” replacing “normalcy” allows space for nonlinearity.
For parents of higher-needs autistic children, resisting the angst around comparing to benchmarks is crucial. Your child’s version of self-awareness may manifest in learning helpful sensory tools. Their social capacity may mean bonding with family over preferred interests. Meeting them where they are with validation allows social-emotional skills to unfold with positivity. Progress expands when the focus fixes less on changing the child, and more on elevating voices that affirm neurodiversity. Difference is beauty waiting to be embraced.
How to help autistic people thrive
Rather than expect autistic children to adhere to rigid neurotypical standards, we must make space for social-emotional skills to unfold organically along each unique trajectory. A childhood locked into an identity of “deficits” erects barriers to self-awareness and authentic connection later on.
The teenagers and adults that autistic youth grow to become deserve the chance to bloom by their own growth patterns, not external rules. A 35 year old still learning to articulate emotions has not failed. A twice-exceptional 20-something entering their first romantic relationship on their own timeline should be uplifted, not rushed.
Nurturing well-being is not about enforcing arbitrary “progress” - it is about fostering self-compassion and community support so that autistic people can move through life's milestones at their own pace. Only by embracing neurological and developmental diversity can we build a society where all are empowered to discover self-understanding and purpose on their own terms. The goal is not normalcy - it is the chance for every autistic person’s unique gifts and qualities to be elevated.