The Identity Toolkit: 'What If' Questions for Autistic and Trans Self-Exploration

The election in the US has exposed the candidates and their supporters for who they really are. The rhetoric is so heated, loaded with vitriol. It seems that half the country believes me terrible for being trans, being a public school teacher who belongs to a teachers’ union, and working at a school that has period products in all bathrooms.

Into this mix comes the current teenagers just trying to figure things out. There aren’t a lot of role models out there as our elected representatives beclown themselves. I was thinking about a conversation that I saw on Reddit. There, an autistic teen was trying to figure out “birds and bees” topics that worked for them - their true autistic self. Their parents were no help. Their parents were firmly in the ‘cures’ camp and this poor kid was on Reddit anonymously seeking the community’s help when their parents wouldn’t.

There was a comment in the large sea of rather unhelpful suggestions. I don’t know the person who left it. I don’t know if it was their original thought. But I really liked what they had to say. Here it is:

What if, instead of thinking about what genders we like ...

We thought about what type of character we like ...

What types of intimacy we like ...

What types of energy we like ...

What types of bodies we like ...

What types of sensations we like ...

What types of roles we would like ...

What types of hearts and souls we like ...

Simple. Profound.

The Power of "What Ifs"

In an ideal world, our teens would turn to their parents or trusted adults for guidance on life’s big questions. But for many autistic and trans youth, reality paints a starkly different picture.

Picture this: A confused teen, hunched over a glowing screen in the dead of night, anonymously pouring their heart out on Reddit. Why? Because home doesn’t feel safe. Because Mum and Dad are championing ‘cures’ or ‘conversions’ that feel more like rejection than support. Because every conversation about identity or attraction is laced with an undercurrent of ‘purity’ that stifles honest exploration.

It’s heartbreaking, isn’t it? This wedge driven between parent and child, trust crumbling like sand castles in the tide.

But here’s the thing - in the vastness of the internet, these kids are finding their tribe. They’re asking the questions they can’t voice at home, seeking the acceptance they crave.

And that’s where we come in. As humans who’ve walked similar paths, we can offer a lifeline. We can provide the sentence starters, the paragraph frames, the “What ifs” that open doors to self-discovery.

So, let’s dive into these “What ifs.” Let’s explore them through the lens of autistic and trans experiences. Let’s create a safe space for honest conversations, right here on this page.

Because everyone deserves to be seen, heard, and accepted - exactly as they are.

What if we thought about what type of character we like ...

Let’s talk character, shall we? Not just the sort you find in books, but the essence of who we are and who we’re drawn to.

For us autistic folks, character is often a fascinating puzzle. We’re known for our intense interests, our unique perspectives, and our tendency to see the world in vibrant detail. And here’s a kicker - we’re about six times more likely to be trans than our mates from the neuro-majority. Quite the intersection, eh?

Now, picture this: an autistic teen, controller in hand, diving deep into a richly crafted video game world. Or perhaps they’re lost in the intricate plot lines of their favourite anime. These aren’t just pastimes; they’re explorations of character, identity, and values.

And cosplay? Oh, that’s where the magic really happens. Slipping into the skin of a beloved character, trying on different personas like coats. It’s a playground for gender exploration, a safe space to test the waters of identity. Just peek at TikTok or Instagram - you’ll find a veritable army of autistic cosplayers, each one a testament to the power of character embodiment.

For many of us, authenticity is the holy grail. We crave genuine connections, unmasked interactions. Being trans adds another layer to this quest for authenticity - the journey to align our outer selves with our inner truths.

So when we talk about the characters we like, we’re really talking about the souls we connect with. The personalities that resonate with our own. The values that echo our deepest beliefs.

In the end, isn’t that what truly matters?

What if we thought about what types of intimacy we like ...

Let’s dive into the deep end, shall we? Intimacy. It’s a word that carries so much weight, yet for many of us ‘on the autism spectrum,’ it’s a concept as elusive as catching smoke.

First off, let’s acknowledge the elephant in the room: alexithymia. Many of us autistic folks grapple with this sneaky beast, leaving us fumbling in the dark when it comes to sourcing, identifying, and expressing our emotions. It’s like trying to read a book in a language you’ve only half learned. Frustrating? You bet.

Now, toss in our unique sensory experiences. That unexpected touch that sends shockwaves through our system, or the whisper that feels like a shout. It’s a whole different ballgame when your senses are dialled up to eleven.

And let’s not forget our demisexual mates, especially prevalent among autistic cis women. For them, emotional and intellectual connections aren’t just the appetizer - they’re the main course. Physical intimacy? That’s dessert, and it’s not always on the menu.

As for trans experiences? Well, the mainstream narrative is relatively useless. It’s all cis-hetero this and cis-hetero that. Anything beyond feels like you’re venturing into uncharted territory without a map.

But here’s the thing: intimacy isn’t one-size-fits-all. It’s not confined to the neuro-majority's rulebook or cisgender norms. For us, it might be sharing a special interest, a deep conversation, or simply existing in the same space without masks.

So, let’s redefine intimacy on our terms. Let’s celebrate the connections that make us feel seen, understood, and accepted - whatever form they may take.

After all, isn’t that what true intimacy is all about?

What if we thought about what types of energy we like ...

Let’s chat about energy, shall we? Not the kind that powers your kettle, but the vibe, the aura, the essence that each person exudes.

For us autistic folk, this energy isn’t just background noise - it’s a bloody symphony. Our hyper-empathy often means we’re not just reading the room; we’re feeling it, breathing it, sometimes drowning in it. It’s like having an emotional satellite dish constantly scanning for signals.

Now, let’s sprinkle in some gender dynamics. For some, gender fluidity is like a cosmic dance between masculine and feminine energies. Picture a pendulum swinging between two poles, sometimes resting in the middle, sometimes swinging wildly from one end to the other.

I remember my own journey - thinking I was fluid, only to realise I was stuck to one end of the swing. My energy never really ventured into the masculine realm. It was like trying to tune into a radio station that just wasn’t there. Coming out as a trans woman? That was finding the right frequency at last.

But here’s the kicker - the energy we’re drawn to doesn’t always come packaged as we expect. It might be housed in a body that surprises us - different gender, age, ability. It’s like unwrapping a gift and finding something far more precious than you anticipated.

In relationships and friendships, finding that compatible energy is like striking gold. It’s not about matching perfectly, but complementing each other. Like two instruments playing different parts of the same beautiful melody.

So, when we talk about the energy we like, we’re really talking about finding our harmony in this chaotic world. It’s about resonating with someone on a level that transcends words.

After all, isn’t that the kind of connection we’re all searching for?

What if we thought about what types of bodies we like ...

Let’s talk bodies, shall we? And no, we’re not flipping through some glossy swimsuit edition. We’re diving into the real, the raw, the wonderfully diverse world of human forms.

For us autistic folks, bodies aren’t just visual - they’re a full-on sensory experience. The texture of skin, the cadence of a heartbeat, the unique scent of a person (and please, easy on the cologne, mate - some of us can smell you from last Tuesday). It’s like each body is its own symphony, and we’re picking up every note.

Now, let’s chat about trans experiences. Body image? It’s a rollercoaster, isn’t it? Some days you’re riding high, feeling like you in your skin. Other days, it’s like wearing a suit that doesn’t quite fit. But here’s the thing - you don’t need to “pass” as a cis-supermodel to be valid. Femininity isn’t measured by cup size or waist-to-hip ratio. And masculinity? It’s not about how many double-decker buses you can bench press.

Bodies come in all shapes, sizes, and presentations. Curvy, lean, muscular, soft … disabled. Scarred, marked, pierced, tattooed. Short, tall, and everything in between. Each one tells a story, carries a history.

And attraction? It’s as diverse as bodies themselves. Maybe you’re drawn to the strength in someone’s arms, the softness of their belly, the grace of their movements. Perhaps it’s the way they carry themselves, their choice of clothing, the accessories they wear.

The beauty is in the details, the uniqueness. It’s in the bodies that don’t fit the mould, that challenge our expectations and expand our understanding of what’s beautiful.

So, when we talk about bodies we like, let's celebrate the full spectrum. Let’s appreciate the vessels that carry us through this wild world, in all their glorious diversity.

After all, isn’t that what true beauty is all about?

What if we thought about what types of sensations we like ...

Right, let’s dive into the world of sensations, shall we? And no, we’re not talking about the latest rollercoaster at Six Flags.

For us autistic folks, sensations aren’t just background noise - they’re the main event. The world is a sensory smorgasbord, and we’re sampling every dish. Some textures make us purr like contented cats, whilst others send us running for the hills. Certain sounds are like a soothing lullaby, others like nails on a chalkboard. It’s a wild ride, this sensory life of ours.

Now, let’s address the elephant in the room - ‘purity culture.’ You know, that nonsense that tries to shame us for exploring our bodies and the sensations we enjoy. Well, I say bollocks to that. Our bodies aren’t just baby-making machines. They’re our vehicles for experiencing this mad, beautiful world. And mate, we have every right to enjoy the ride.

For trans folks, gender affirmation can be like getting a sensory system upgrade. Speaking from experience, HRT has been like switching from black and white telly to full-colour HD. Suddenly, the world’s in technicolour, and every sensation is dialled up to eleven. It’s been bloody amazing.

But here’s the thing - you don’t need to medically transition to be valid or to explore your sensory world. Your journey is yours alone, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach.

Creating sensory-friendly intimate environments? That’s an art form. It’s about understanding your needs and those of your partner(s). Maybe it’s soft lighting, a particular texture of bedding, or a carefully curated playlist. It’s about creating a space where you can fully immerse yourself in the sensations you enjoy, without overwhelming yourself.

So, when we talk about the sensations we like, we’re really talking about embracing our unique ways of experiencing the world. It’s about finding joy in the touch, taste, smell, sound, and sight of life.

After all, isn’t that what living fully is all about?

What if we thought about what types of roles we like ...

Alright, let’s chat about roles, shall we? And no, we’re not talking about the latest Netflix series.

For us autistic folks, traditional relationship roles can feel like trying to squeeze into a suit that’s three sizes too small. The whole ‘provider’ and ‘trad wife’ malarkey? It’s about as comfortable as a hedgehog in a balloon factory.

Now, throw being trans into the mix, and you’ve got yourself a proper conundrum. Navigating gender roles when you’re rewriting your own gender script? It’s like trying to follow a map that’s been through the wash - the lines are all blurred, and half the landmarks are missing.

But here’s the beauty of it all - we get to create our own maps. Our own roles. Our own relationship structures. Fancy being a ‘cat woman?’ Go for it, love. There’s nothing wrong and everything right with that. Want to explore ethical non-monogamy or polyamory? More power to you. These setups can offer a level of support and understanding that’s truly liberating.

And let’s not forget the magic of deep friendships. There’s an intimacy there that can rival any romantic relationship. It’s not always about finding ‘The One’ and popping out ‘wee shitelings.’ Sometimes it’s about building a network of connections that support and uplift you.

The key is flexibility. It’s about creating relationship structures that fit you, not the other way around. Maybe you’re the emotional support, whilst your partner handles the practical stuff. Maybe you share everything equally. Or maybe your roles shift and change like the tides.

The point is, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Your relationship, your rules. It’s about finding what works for you and your partner(s), and having the courage to live it authentically.

So, when we talk about the roles we’d like, we’re really talking about breaking free from societal expectations and crafting our own unique ways of connecting.

After all, isn’t that what true relationships are all about?

What if we thought about what types of hearts and souls we like ...

Right, let’s dive deeper still, shall we? We’re talking hearts and souls, the nitty-gritty of what makes us tick.

For us autistic folk, emotional and spiritual connections aren’t just surface-level niceties. We’re after the real deal, the authentic, the genuine. None of that small talk rubbish - we want conversations that make our souls sing and our minds whir.

And as for top-down hierarchies? Don’t make me laugh. We’re built for horizontal solidarity, for community. Our minds, wired to spot the illogical, often see right through the smoke and mirrors of patriarchy and other such nonsense. It’s like having a built-in bullshit detector, and mate, it’s always on high alert.

Now, throw being trans into the mix, and you’ve got a perspective that’s about as unique as they come. We’re experts at seeing beyond the surface, at understanding that what’s inside doesn't always match the wrapping. It’s like we've got X-ray vision for the soul.

When we find that authentic connection, when someone’s words match their energy? Oh boy, it’s like fireworks in our hearts. We fall hard and fast, because finally, FINALLY, here’s someone who gets it, who’s real.

It’s not about fitting into society’s neat little boxes of what relationships should look like. It’s about finding your tribe, your people, those souls that resonate with yours on a frequency that others can’t even hear.

Maybe it’s a partner who understands your need for quiet time. Maybe it’s a friend who shares your passion for obscure facts about deep-sea creatures. Or maybe it’s a community that accepts you, celebrates you, just as you are.

The point is, we’re after connections that go beyond the superficial. We want hearts that beat in sync with ours, souls that dance to the same off-beat rhythm.

So, when we talk about the hearts and souls we like, we’re really talking about finding our place in this wild world. About connecting on a level that transcends societal expectations and norms.

After all, isn’t that what true connection is all about?

Applying this framework

Let’s bring it all together, shall we? This framework we’ve been exploring isn’t just a bunch of fancy words - it’s a roadmap for self-discovery and authentic living.

For our autistic youth, this approach can be a game-changer. It’s like being handed a decoder ring for the social world. Instead of trying to fit into predefined boxes, they can explore what truly resonates with them. What characters do they admire? What sensations light up their world? What energies make them feel at home? By focusing on these specifics, they can navigate the often murky waters of social interaction with more confidence. It’s not about masking or pretending - it’s about understanding oneself and finding genuine connections.

Now, for our trans mates, these “What Ifs” can be a powerful tool for exploring gender identity and expression. It’s like having a palette of colours to paint your true self. Maybe you're drawn to certain roles not because of societal expectations, but because they genuinely align with your soul. Perhaps certain sensations or energies feel more “you” than others. This framework allows for a nuanced exploration of gender beyond the binary, helping individuals navigate the complex journey of transition and beyond.

But let’s not forget our parents and educators. You lot are on the front lines, aren’t you? Supporting autistic and trans youth can feel like navigating a minefield, but this framework can be your map. It’s about fostering open conversations, creating safe spaces for exploration. Instead of imposing expectations, ask questions. What characters inspire them? What sensations do they enjoy or avoid? What kinds of connections make them feel seen and understood?

The beauty of this approach is its flexibility. It’s not about fitting anyone into a predetermined mould - it’s about helping each individual find their unique shape. For autistic youth, it can provide a structured way to explore the often overwhelming world of social interactions and self-identity. For trans individuals, it offers a nuanced language to express the complexities of gender beyond simplistic categories.

And for all of us, it’s a reminder that there’s no one “right” way to be. We’re all a unique mix of preferences, sensations, energies, and connections. By focusing on these specifics rather than broad labels, we can foster understanding and acceptance.

So, whether you’re an autistic teen trying to make sense of the world, a trans individual navigating your journey, or a parent or educator looking to support these amazing young people - remember this framework. It’s not about having all the answers. It’s about asking the right questions, fostering curiosity, and celebrating the beautiful diversity of human experience.

After all, isn't that what life’s all about? Finding our authentic selves and connecting with others who appreciate us just as we are? Now that's a world worth building, don't you think?