Chiseling Away: How Freemasonry Helped Me Discover My True Identity
Standing at the bottom of Enoch’s vault, I felt a profound sense of discovery, not the typical “egg crack” analogy often mentioned in the Trans movement, but a deeper, more enigmatic journey. The intersection of time and identity in the shadows of that ancient Masonic lodge revealed layers of my true self that I had never anticipated. It was in that moment of realisation, surrounded by the echoes of history and rich symbolism, that I began my quest to unmask the authentic me and discovered something altogether unexpected.
My journey of unmasking autism, uncovering my true gender identity, and finding structural support in Freemasonry is akin to the meticulous process of chiseling away at a stone to reveal its hidden form. We can never truly know what lies beneath the surface until we undertake the painstaking work to remove the superfluities. Each layer peeled away brings us closer to understanding and authenticity, much like the transformation from a rough to a smooth Ashlar in Masonic tradition.
Sharing this story, today’s article, is crucial not just for my personal journey but for the broader context of societal norms, identity formation, and personal transformation. My previous role as the Classroom Director at the Pasadena Scottish Rite Reunions was to dive deep into the work and use myself as the exemplar, facilitating others’ understanding through my experiences. Today’s article extends that practice, merging my journaling and the reconciliation of seeming opposites, revealing them as two sides of the same coin. By articulating my journey to this point, I aim to inspire others to explore their identities and embrace their true selves.
Understanding Autistic Masking
Autistic masking is a complex and often misunderstood phenomenon. It involves the deliberate suppression of natural behaviours and responses to conform to societal expectations, a practice deeply ingrained in the neurodiverse community. Drawing from neurodiversity literature, historical contexts, and cultural perceptions, masking can be seen as a survival mechanism in a world that often demands conformity. Societal expectations shape and constrain neurodivergent identities, forcing individuals to hide their true selves behind carefully constructed facades. This constant adjustment and concealment are not unlike the intricate and often perplexing narratives found in the works of Thomas Pynchon, Robert Anton Wilson, and Harry Harrison (some of my absolute favourite authors), where reality is fluid and ever-shifting.
In my own experience, masking has been a pervasive and exhausting aspect of daily life. Much like the characters in Pynchon’s “Gravity’s Rainbow,” Wilson’s “Illuminatus! Trilogy,” or Harrison’s “Stainless Steel Rat” series, I have often found myself navigating a world that feels both familiar and alien, constantly decoding and adjusting to new and unexpected social cues. Each interaction required a real-time adjustment based on feedback, an ongoing performance to fit into the prevailing norms. This parallel between the literary and personal experience underscores the surreal and disorienting nature of masking, where one is never quite sure what is going on or who they are supposed to be at any given moment.
The impact of masking on mental health is profound, with significant emotional and psychological tolls. The constant effort to maintain a facade leads to chronic stress, anxiety, and a pervasive sense of inauthenticity. This experience can be metaphorically linked to the labyrinthine plots and shifting realities in the works of Pynchon, Wilson, and Harrison. Just as their characters grapple with layers of deception and hidden truths, individuals who mask must navigate the complexities of their existence as multitude, always aware of the thin line between their true selves and the personas they project. This dissonance, often explored through intertextual references in fiction and psychology, highlights the existential struggle at the heart of autistic masking.
As such, understanding autistic masking requires a deep dive into both personal and broader cultural narratives. The parallels with the works of these authors provide a rich framework for exploring the surreal, often disorienting experience of masking. By examining these connections, we can better appreciate the nuanced challenges faced by neurodivergent individuals and the immense courage required to unmask and embrace one’s true identity.
The Journey to Unmasking Autism
The catalyst for my unmasking journey was deeply intertwined with the promises of Freemasonry, an institution dedicated to “making good men better.” This ethos of self-improvement resonated with me, driving my earnest and honest efforts to refine my character. However, in the process of stripping away layers and seeking deeper truths, I discovered not a better man, but a good woman. This unexpected revelation paralleled the transformative journeys depicted in pivotal works of psychology and memoir, where the quest for authenticity leads to profound personal revelations. Historical shifts in understanding gender and identity further framed my experience, highlighting the evolving narrative of self-discovery.
The process of unmasking was akin to the ancient tale of the Patriarch Enoch’s descent into the vault to discover the lost master’s word. Each step downward symbolised peeling back another layer of societal expectations and self-imposed limitations. The power of what I found at the bottom—my true self—cannot be overstated. This journey mirrored the labyrinthine paths found in literature, where characters undergo profound transformations. The descent itself became a philosophical exploration, with every challenge and breakthrough offering deeper insights into my identity. The symbolic and literal descent into the depths to uncover hidden truths echoed through the annals of Freemasonry and personal growth.
The immediate effects of unmasking were transformative, altering my day-to-day interactions and how I perceived the world. This “egg crack” moment, akin to meeting one’s true self at the bottom of the vault, is a recurring motif in classical literature. However, my journey held a unique twist: I descended into the depths as a man and emerged understanding myself as a woman. This narrative is less common in classical literature, which typically portrays descent and discovery in more predictable terms. The experience redefined my interactions with others, imbuing them with newfound authenticity and self-assurance. Symbolic representations of this journey, from mythology to modern literature, enriched my understanding and provided a cultural critique of the gendered assumptions that had long shaped my life.
Thus, the journey to unmasking autism and discovering my true gender identity was a profound odyssey, a heroin’s journey if you will. It has been marked by an incredible amount of introspection, cultural and historical context, and the powerful metaphor of descent and discovery. This process not only transformed my sense of self but also offered a broader commentary on the fluidity of identity and the courage required to live authentically.
The Masonic Concept of Self-Improvement
The Masonic concept of transforming from a rough to a smooth Ashlar is deeply rooted in historical and allegorical contexts, representing personal growth and refinement. Historically, this transformation was likely intended to take the rough or profane individual and shape them into a more refined gentleman. The costs associated with membership, the maintenance of attire, and formal dinners often precluded the working classes from joining, focusing instead on polishing the gentleman rather than raising the standard of the working classes. However, in modern times, and coming from a working-class background, I uniquely leveraged the lessons of Freemasonry to delve deep into my being. This opportunity allowed me a privileged and rather unconventional entry into the fraternity, using its ancient teachings to facilitate profound personal transformation.
Freemasonry’s emphasis on self-improvement has significantly shaped my personal journey, as I discuss throughout my recent book, ‘Holistic Language Instruction.’ The Lodge provided numerous scaffolds to my learning, offering a structured environment to explore and grow. Masonic texts and traditions, with their rich symbolism and layered meanings, became essential tools in my quest for self-betterment. The allegories and rituals, designed to impart moral and philosophical lessons, guided me through a process of introspection and self-discovery. By embracing these teachings, I was able to navigate the complexities of my identity and uncover deeper truths about myself.
The role of structure and discipline within Freemasonry cannot be overstated. The teachings and rituals provided a safe and supportive framework for personal growth, especially from my standpoint as an autistic person. The quiet, structured environment of the Lodge offered a sanctuary where I could explore my identities without the overwhelming noise of the outside world. The rituals, steeped in tradition and symbolism, created a rhythm and predictability that was comforting and conducive to deep reflection. This disciplined approach to self-improvement, grounded in historical and literary references, allowed me to systematically peel away layers of societal expectations and personal insecurities, ultimately revealing a more authentic self.
In essence, the Masonic journey from rough to smooth Ashlar has been a transformative process, one that transcends its historical intentions to offer profound personal growth opportunities. By fully engaging with the lessons and rituals of Freemasonry, I was able to explore and understand my identity in ways that were both structured and deeply meaningful. This unique blend of historical context, philosophical discourse, and personal experience underscores the enduring relevance of Masonic teachings in the modern world.
Discovering My Transgender Identity
The initial realisation of my transgender identity emerged as a direct consequence of unmasking my autism. As I began to peel away the layers of societal expectations and the masks I had worn for so long, a profound truth revealed itself. This journey of self-discovery is reminiscent of the metamorphosis experienced by characters in literary classics such as Virginia Woolf’s ‘Orlando’ and James Joyce’s ‘Ulysses.’ Just as these characters navigated the complexities of their identities, so too did I find myself confronting and embracing a new understanding of who I truly am. The process was both disorienting and enlightening, as the unmasking of autism acted as a catalyst for unearthing my deeper, authentic self.
Reflecting on past feelings and experiences, it became clear that there had always been subtle hints pointing toward my transgender identity. These moments, though seemingly disparate at the time, began to connect like pieces of a complex puzzle. In literature, this is akin to the narrative structures found in Pynchon’s ‘Gravity’s Rainbow’ or Wilson’s ‘Illuminatus! Trilogy,’ where seemingly unrelated events converge to reveal a larger truth. My childhood fascination with stories of transformation and fluid identities, my discomfort with traditional roles, and my deep-seated sense of not quite fitting in all began to make sense in the light of my new understanding. These reflections drew connections to broader themes in literature and culture, highlighting the universality of the search for identity and self-acceptance.
The emotional journey of discovering my transgender identity has been richly textured and profoundly impactful. This experience can be likened to the transformative journeys depicted in the works of Hermann Hesse, particularly ‘Demian’ and ‘Steppenwolf,’ where characters undergo significant inner turmoil and ultimately emerge more self-aware and whole. The realisation brought with it a flood of emotions—relief, joy, fear, and uncertainty. The initial euphoria of understanding and embracing my true self was tempered by the daunting prospect of navigating this new reality in a world that often fails to understand or accept transgender identities. Intertextual references to transformative literary works provided both solace and inspiration, as they affirmed the validity and importance of my journey. Characters who had faced their own existential crises and emerged stronger offered a roadmap for my path forward.
Thus, discovering my transgender identity has been a journey marked by profound introspection and emotional depth. It is a journey that continues to unfold, shaped by the rich tapestry of personal experiences and the enduring themes of transformation and self-discovery found in literature. This newfound understanding has allowed me to live more authentically, aligning my outer life with the truth of my inner self, and reinforcing the timeless narrative of the quest for identity and meaning.
Navigating the Intersection of Autism, Gender Identity, and Freemasonry
Navigating the intersection of autism and gender identity presents unique challenges that are compounded by societal expectations and personal struggles. Sociological and psychological studies have shown a high prevalence and correlation between autism and being transgender. For autistic individuals assigned male at birth (AMAB), the likelihood of identifying as transgender is six times higher than in the general population. This intersectionality brings about a complex interplay of identity issues, often leading to increased social anxiety, confusion, and the struggle to fit into rigid societal norms. The dual challenge of managing neurodivergent traits whilst grappling with gender dysphoria can be profoundly isolating and stressful, necessitating a supportive and understanding environment.
Freemasonry has played a crucial role in my journey of self-discovery and authenticity, providing a structured framework that supports personal growth. Masonic principles, with their emphasis on self-improvement and the pursuit of truth, offered a unique scaffold for an investigation and exploration of my identities. The allegorical and symbolic teachings, deeply rooted in historical and cultural contexts, provided a rich tapestry of wisdom that guided me through my introspective journey. Despite the historical associations with eugenics and the perfection of man that can be found in some Masonic traditions and organisations, my experiences within my Scottish Rite Valley and Blue Lodge have been overwhelmingly positive and inclusive. These settings became safe havens where I could gradually reveal my autism and, more recently, my transgender identity, first finding acceptance and understanding of my being autistic … but now, as a transgender woman? We’ll see.
The journey within Freemasonry to self-improvement and enlightenment unexpectedly led to the discovery of my transgender identity. This revelation was not something I initially sought; rather, it emerged as a result of a long and circuitous journey to the core of who I am. The process mirrors the Masonic allegory of Enoch’s descent into the vault to uncover the lost master’s word. Each degree of the Rite and the writings of Albert Pike and other Masonic scholars served as guideposts along this path, clearly marked for those who know how to look. In retrospect, the symbols and lessons embedded in Masonic teachings provided subtle hints and reflections of my true self. These guideposts, initially seen as abstract concepts, took on profound personal meaning as I connected them to my own experiences and inner truths.
As such, the intersection of autism, gender identity, and Freemasonry has been a journey of profound discovery and growth. The challenges of navigating these intertwined identities have been significant, yet the support and structure provided by Masonic principles have been instrumental in my journey. Freemasonry’s emphasis on self-improvement, coupled with the rich symbolic and allegorical traditions, has enabled me to uncover and embrace my authentic self. This journey, marked by unexpected revelations and profound insights, underscores the transformative power of Freemasonry in fostering personal growth and self-discovery.
Living Authentically
Embracing my transgender identity recently has brought about profound changes in my day-to-day life, each moment now infused with a sense of authenticity and self-acceptance. Like the transformative journeys depicted in literary classics such as Kafka’s ‘Metamorphosis’ or Woolf’s ‘Orlando,’ my transition has been both a liberation and a challenge. Daily activities, once overshadowed by the constant need to mask and conform, are now opportunities to express my true self. The simple acts of choosing clothing, interacting with others, and even looking in the mirror have become challenging affirmations of my identity. Cultural narratives of transformation resonate deeply with my experience, underscoring the universal quest for authenticity and self-expression.
Living authentically, without the need for constant masking, has fundamentally altered my sense of self. The philosophical and psychological insights of thinkers like Carl Jung and Abraham Maslow provide a framework for understanding this shift. Jung's concept of individuation—the process of integrating all aspects of the self into a harmonious whole—parallels my journey toward authenticity. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, though I’m not a big fan, culminates in self-actualisation, a state where one’s true potential is realised. For the first time, even though I’m just beginning and haven’t a stitch to wear, I feel a profound alignment between my inner self and my outward expression, a harmony that was previously elusive. The relief of no longer having to hide behind a facade is immeasurable, bringing with it a newfound confidence and peace.
Despite these personal victories, my Masonic future is fraught with uncertainty. Freemasonry, whilst encouraging growth and progress, often adheres to traditional, patriarchal pathways. Many within my circle of acquaintances—the so-called brotherhood—cannot accept a ‘brother’ becoming authentically feminine and have thus coldly severed ties. This painful reality highlights the limitations of an institution that values conformity to its traditional norms. There are lodges where I am certain I will not be welcome, even if I present in traditionally masculine attire. This rejection underscores the broader societal struggle for acceptance faced by transgender individuals, challenging the inclusivity and adaptability of long-standing institutions.
Looking forward, my hopes and goals for the future are framed within a broader cultural and historical context of identity and self-realisation. I aspire to continue advocating for greater understanding and acceptance of neurodivergent and transgender identities within all of the communities in which I am engaged. My journey is part of a larger narrative of societal evolution, where traditional structures are being challenged and redefined. I hope to contribute to this change, fostering environments where authenticity is celebrated, and all individuals are free to explore and express their true selves. The road ahead may be uncertain, but it is also filled with the promise of continued growth, discovery, and the fulfillment of living authentically.
Final thoughts …
Reflecting on my journey, it is clear that the path to authenticity has been a complex and multifaceted odyssey. Like a sculptor chiseling away at a rough stone to reveal the form within, I have worked diligently to strip away the layers of masking and societal expectations, uncovering my true self. This process, rich in metaphor and symbolism, mirrors the transformative journeys found in Masonic allegory and classical literature. The descent into the vault, the unearthing of hidden truths, and the ultimate revelation of my transgender identity have all been pivotal moments of profound self-discovery. Each step has been marked by both joy and sorrow, as the exhilaration of living authentically is tempered by the pain of losing connections with those who cannot share in this vision of happiness.
To those on a similar path, I offer words of encouragement and solidarity. The journey to unmasking and embracing one’s true self is fraught with challenges, but it is also filled with moments of profound beauty and liberation. Literary figures like Virginia Woolf’s Orlando and Herman Hesse’s Demian remind us that the quest for authenticity is a timeless and universal endeavour. Embrace the journey, with all its twists and turns, knowing that each step brings you closer to a more genuine and fulfilling existence. The losses you may encounter are part of the process, clearing space for new connections and opportunities that align with your true identity.
I invite you to reflect on you own experiences and consider the importance of unmasking and living authentically. In a world that often pressures individuals to conform, the act of embracing one’s true self is a powerful form of resistance and self-affirmation. Engage with broader societal discourses on identity, challenging traditional norms and advocating for greater inclusivity and understanding. Your journey, like mine, is part of a larger narrative of societal evolution, where authenticity and self-realisation are increasingly recognised and celebrated. By sharing our stories and supporting one another, we can foster a world where everyone is free to explore and express their true selves, unencumbered by the constraints of outdated expectations.