Celebrating the First Month on HRT: A Reflection

As I mark the milestone of completing my first month on HRT, I am filled with a profound sense of achievement and gratitude. This initial phase of my medical transition has been transformative, offering both challenges and profound moments of self-discovery. From the initial excitement and trepidation of the first dose to the daily reflections that followed, each day has brought new insights and a deeper connection to my authentic self. Today’s article aims to reflect on the journey so far, building on my initial reflections from the first week. By sharing my experiences, I hope to provide a meaningful account of the physical, emotional, and psychological changes that have unfolded. This milestone is not just a personal celebration but a testament to the resilience and joy found in living authentically, and I invite you to join me in reflecting on this transformative journey.

Recap of the First Week

Reflecting on my first week of HRT, I am reminded of the whirlwind of emotions and the profound sense of rightness that accompanied each day. The journey began with a mix of excitement and nervous anticipation. The first morning was marked by an overwhelming sensation of internal alignment, as if a switch had been flipped, bringing a sense of tranquility that had long eluded me. This initial calmness, replacing the usual sensory overload, felt like a revelation, providing a glimpse into the profound changes ahead.

As the days progressed, I noticed subtle shifts in my physical and emotional landscape. The second day brought an unexpected sense of composure, even in the face of stressors that would typically induce anxiety. This newfound equilibrium, while still puzzling, was a welcome change. My skin began to feel different, hinting at the physical transformations that were starting to take place.

One of the most significant moments was the return of restful, uninterrupted sleep. For someone who has struggled with insomnia, this was a remarkable shift, signaling a deeper, more fundamental change in my body and mind. By the third day, my grooming routine had doubled in length, not out of necessity but out of a newfound joy in expressing my femininity. Each step felt like a celebration of my true self.

These initial experiences were not without their challenges, but they laid a foundation of hope and anticipation. The first week on HRT was a period of profound self-discovery and affirmation, setting the stage for the transformative journey that continues to unfold.

Physical Changes

Over the past month on HRT, I’ve experienced significant physical changes that have profoundly impacted my relationship with my body. One of the most astonishing developments was the growth of my breasts during the second week. I am now a solid B cup, which has necessitated wearing a sports bra as finding anything else in a 48 B size is nearly impossible. This unexpected yet welcome change has brought me a sense of joy and affirmation, though it also surprised my wife.

Additionally, I’ve noticed a remarkable improvement in my skin. The scarring on my face from teenage acne and chicken pox is smoothing out, giving my complexion a more youthful appearance, reminiscent of someone in their 30s. The transformation is striking, making me feel twenty years younger. The anti-androgen component of my HRT regimen has contributed to a weight loss of 15 pounds, enhancing my overall sense of well-being and body image.

Another significant change is my hair. I have started growing it out, eagerly anticipating the return of my gorgeous curls, which I had lost due to my athletic lifestyle. This is a deeply personal and exciting aspect of my transition, as it symbolises reclaiming a part of myself that I had to set aside for so long.

Sensory-wise, my experiences have shifted noticeably. I've fallen in love with the Winter Berry Wonder scent from Bath & Bodyworks, and I’ve subscribed to regular refills of their body lotion and cream. My skin has become noticeably drier, likely due to the switch from testosterone to estrogen, making moisturising a crucial part of my daily routine.

To accommodate my changing body, I’ve found gauze tunics that are both flattering and fit well, inspired by old Gaelic/Celtic styles. These tunics are a temporary solution whilst I craft my new work wardrobe, and I love their style and comfort, having purchased one in every color.

Whilst I'm not yet completely at ease with my body image, the changes are incredibly encouraging. Seeing cleavage so soon was unexpected but oddly thrilling, marking just the beginning of this transformative journey.

Emotional and Psychological Transformations

The emotional and psychological transformations I’ve experienced over this first month on HRT have been nothing short of extraordinary. The landscape of my emotions is entirely new, characterised by a profound depth of feeling I hadn’t anticipated. It’s amazing, sometimes overwhelming, but in the most wondrous ways. Each emotion feels richer, more vivid, and more intense than ever before. Whilst this intensity can be startling, it’s a welcome change that I’m learning to embrace and celebrate.

One of the most significant changes has been the newfound sense of calm and peace. The constant “noise” that used to fill my mind, a relentless companion of sensory overload and anxiety, has vanished. This quietude remains, providing a serene backdrop to my daily life. It’s as if a heavy weight has been lifted, allowing me to breathe and exist in a state of tranquility. Whilst sensory overload is still a possibility if I’m not careful, the usual daily stimuli don’t overwhelm me as they once did. This reduction in sensory overload has made my world more manageable and less chaotic, bringing a sense of balance and stability that I deeply cherish.

Sleep has also improved remarkably. I now sleep better, waking up less frequently during the night. The night terrors and panic-attack-inducing dreams that once plagued my nights are gone, replaced by a mostly restful and restorative sleep. This improvement in sleep quality has a ripple effect, enhancing my overall well-being and mental clarity. I wake up feeling more refreshed and ready to face the day, which contributes to a more positive and balanced emotional state.

Psychologically, I've experienced significant growth. Self-acceptance and mental clarity have become prominent features of my inner world. As I navigate this journey, I’m finding a deeper understanding of myself and my identity. The process of aligning my physical self with my inner truth has brought about a sense of coherence and authenticity that was previously missing. This alignment has made it easier to share myself and my identity with others, fostering connections that are more genuine and fulfilling.

One particularly joyous moment was when I surprised my wife at the charity shop where she volunteers. A volunteer I’d never met asked about my name, and without hesitation, my wife introduced me as Jaime. Hearing her use my chosen name in such a natural and affirming way brought me immense joy. It’s these small yet significant moments that underscore the profound impact of my transition, not just on myself but on those around me.

Overall, the emotional and psychological shifts have been transformative. I’m living with a newfound sense of peace and clarity, experiencing emotions more deeply and authentically. Whilst there are still challenges, the journey so far has been incredibly rewarding. Each day brings new discoveries and affirmations, reinforcing my decision to embark on this path. I am not just surviving; I am thriving, rejoicing in the profound changes that are reshaping my life.

Social and Practical Adjustments

Navigating social interactions whilst undergoing HRT has been a journey filled with both challenges and triumphs. The beginning of HRT coincided with the end of the school year, which meant that my initial physical changes were somewhat lost in the shuffle of concluding academic responsibilities. However, as I transition into teaching summer school at a different site with an entirely new staff, I have the unique opportunity to start afresh. By the time I return to my regular school assignment for the fall term, I will be four months into HRT, allowing my colleagues to see a more settled version of my transitioning self.

Support systems have been crucial during this period, and my wife has been my unwavering rock. Her support and guidance in navigating the feminine world have been invaluable. She has helped me adjust to new routines and has provided emotional support through every high and low. Her acceptance and encouragement have not only made this journey possible but also profoundly joyful.

Daily routines have seen significant changes, particularly in terms of grooming and self-care practices. My time in the bathroom has more than doubled as I manage skincare, shaving, and other aspects of personal grooming. At my size, the surface area I need to shave is considerable, prompting me to purchase an impulse light hair removal device as a cost-effective alternative to expensive disposable razor blades. Though it has yet to arrive, I am hopeful it will streamline my routine.

Skin care has become an essential part of my daily regimen. The switch from testosterone to estrogen has made my skin noticeably drier, necessitating a consistent moisturising routine. Again, I’ve found a scent I adore and have set up a subscription for body lotion and cream. This not only helps manage my dry skin but also provides a sensory experience that I enjoy immensely.

Makeup is an area I have yet to explore, primarily due to my sensory issues. However, I remain open to experimenting with a bit of lip colour, particularly something soothing for my perpetually chapped lips. This small step could be a gentle introduction to makeup, allowing me to ease into this new aspect of self-expression.

The adjustments in my daily routine and self-care practices have been substantial, but they are also deeply affirming. Each new step, from extended grooming sessions to exploring hair removal options, represents a commitment to living authentically. These changes, whilst sometimes time-consuming, bring me closer to the person I truly am.

Overall, the social and practical adjustments of this first month on HRT have been transformative. Starting anew at a different school site has provided a fresh beginning, and the support from my wife has been an anchor in this journey. My daily routines have evolved to accommodate my changing body, and whilst challenges remain, the triumphs are significant. As I continue this journey, each adjustment, big or small, reinforces my commitment to living authentically and embracing my true self.

Unique Challenges

Navigating my HRT journey from an autistic perspective has presented unique challenges, particularly as a gestalt processor. The process of building new scripts and routines for this transformative chapter has been both daunting and essential. This Substack has become a crucial tool in this regard, allowing me to develop and save these long scripts whilst sharing them with an ever-growing audience. This platform not only helps me articulate and structure my thoughts but also provides a supportive community that resonates with my experiences.

Creating these new scripts involves integrating the changes brought by HRT into my daily life, from managing new physical sensations to adapting social interactions. The familiar comfort of routines is now interwoven with the excitement and unpredictability of transition. Each day brings new experiences that require careful consideration and incorporation into my established patterns.

Physical discomforts have also been a part of this journey. Dry skin and a bit fatigue are notable issues I’ve encountered. Managing these involves a consistent skincare routine and finding effective solutions like the impulse light hair removal device to streamline my grooming process. Moisturising with products like Winter Berry Wonder body lotion helps alleviate dryness and provides a comforting sensory experience.

The topic of makeup and the “feminine ideal” is another area where my autistic perspective shapes my approach. The Western myth of an unattainable aesthetic, driven by marketing to keep women chronically insecure, doesn’t appeal to me. Instead, I seek a wholesome, unpretentious look reminiscent of a “Scottish county mom.” My background in community theatre and the Scottish Rite of Freemasonry exposed me to full makeup and wigs, which led to a massive meltdown and subsequent aversion to heavy makeup. A simple tinted lip balm, similar to what I already use, is likely as far as I’ll go in adopting makeup.

In embracing these changes, I prioritise authenticity and comfort, rejecting societal pressures to conform to unrealistic standards. This journey is about finding what works best for me, respecting my sensory sensitivities, and celebrating my true self.

Celebrations and Triumphs

Celebrating the small victories over this first month on HRT has been incredibly rewarding. One of the most significant achievements has been finding flattering tunics in my size that not only fit well but also reflect my personal style. This discovery has been a delightful boost to my confidence and self-expression. Another triumph is finding a bra that fits comfortably and doesn’t overwhelm my senses. Initially, the idea of wearing a bra was daunting from a sensory standpoint, but I have grown accustomed to it, and it has become a part of my daily routine, contributing to my sense of self-acceptance and joy.

Engaging in creative outlets, particularly sewing and tailoring, has been a powerful affirmation of my identity. Building my sewing and tailoring kit and beginning the pattern creation process have been both fun and fulfilling. As a trans woman of my size, the challenges in finding well-fitting clothes are profound. Standard western sizes often have a bodice length that is six inches too short and an inseam that doesn’t accommodate my height. Women’s trousers seem to only get wider as sizes go up, not taller, which adds to the frustration.

By creating my own clothes, I can tailor each piece to fit my unique dimensions perfectly, ensuring comfort and style. This process not only addresses practical challenges but also allows me to express my identity through fashion. Each garment I will create is a step towards a wardrobe that truly reflects who I am, enhancing my sense of authenticity and confidence. These small victories and creative endeavours have been essential in celebrating my journey and embracing my true self.

Future Outlook

Looking ahead, my goals and hopes for the coming months are filled with anticipation and determination. Physically, I aim to continue embracing and celebrating the changes brought by HRT. Given the rapid pace of these changes, likely influenced by my genetics and histamine-free diet rich in saturated animal fats and minimal carbs, I expect to see even more pronounced feminisation by the time I return to school in the fall. This transformation will undoubtedly spark conversations and questions from colleagues and students, and I plan to use the summer to prepare for these interactions, crafting thoughtful responses and setting boundaries to navigate these discussions with confidence and grace.

Emotionally, I hope to deepen my self-acceptance and resilience. The journey of transition is ongoing, and I am committed to continually growing and evolving. I want to further cultivate my emotional equilibrium, relishing the profound, deep feelings that have emerged since starting HRT. Whilst these emotions can be overwhelming, they are also a testament to living authentically and fully. I plan to continue engaging in self-reflection and using this Substack as a platform to process and share my experiences, both for my own development and to support others on similar paths.

Continued growth is at the heart of my outlook. Transitioning is not a destination but a journey, one that involves constant learning and adaptation. I intend to further refine my daily routines, ensuring they align with my evolving needs and identity. This includes exploring more about skincare, potentially experimenting with gentle makeup options (a wee pop of colour around the eyes perhaps), and advancing my sewing skills to create a wardrobe that truly represents me.

As I move forward, I am excited about the person I am becoming and the life I am crafting. Each day brings new opportunities for self-discovery and expression. By setting clear goals and embracing the ongoing nature of this journey, I am confident that I will continue to thrive, both physically and emotionally, in the months and years ahead.