Breaking the Chains of Brotherhood: A Trans Woman's Spiritual Exodus from Masonry
For over two decades, I embraced the Masonic ideal of “making good men better.” When I first approached the Lodge, I was filled with hope and promise. The application process spoke of personal growth, brotherhood, and a journey of self-improvement. I entered with an open heart and an eager mind, ready to learn and grow without preconceived notions of where this path might lead.
Over the years, I immersed myself fully in Masonic work. I held numerous positions within various bodies, traveled extensively as a Masonic speaker and educator, and received many accolades for my contributions. My commitment to the craft was unwavering, and I believed wholeheartedly in its transformative power.
However, as I delved deeper into the symbolic “crypt” of self-discovery, I unearthed truths about myself that I hadn’t anticipated. I found myself face-to-face with my authentic identity - an identity that included being Trans. It was a profound revelation, one that I believed embodied the very essence of personal growth and self-improvement that Masonry espoused.
Yet, when I emerged from this deeply personal journey, ready to share my truth with my Masonic brothers, I encountered an unexpected obstacle. The institution that had promised to support my growth and betterment stood immobile, unprepared for the person I had discovered within myself. Whilst I had embarked on a quest of self-discovery, like the Norse explorers of old setting sail for unknown lands, the Lodge remained anchored in its traditions. My journey had taken me beyond the familiar shores of conventional brotherhood, past the rocky cliffs of established norms, and into uncharted waters of authentic self-realisation. Upon my return, I found the Lodge unchanged, standing in judgment of the truths I had unearthed, unable to reconcile my growth with their static expectations.
The epic poem that follows is a reflection of this odyssey - from eager initiate to accomplished Mason, from self-discovery to rejection, and onward towards a hoped-for spiritual home that might embrace all aspects of my authentic self. It is a saga of transformation, of battles fought not with sword and shield, but with courage and truth. Like the skalds of ancient times, I weave this tale of personal metamorphosis, of lands left behind and the quest for new realms. In this journey, I reach towards my heritage, seeking connection with my ancestral past, aspiring to find a place where my transformed self can truly belong. This poem is not just a recounting of where I've been, but a vision of where I hope my path might lead - a spiritual home as yet undiscovered, but one that calls to the very core of who I am and who I’ve become.
—
Act I: The Journey of the Crypt
Prologue
In the Lodge where wisdom reigns,
A journey starts with unknown gains.
A soul embarks with open mind,
To seek the truths that one can find.
Chapter 1: Descent into the Crypt
In darkness deep, where silence dwells,
A guide appears with ancient spells.
Hiram Abiff, in solemn tone,
Leads the way to truths unknown.
“In crypts where secrets lie concealed,
The sacred name shall be revealed.
With courage, truth, and steadfast heart,
Begin the journey, play your part.”
The Tetragrammaton’s glow,
Illuminates the path below.
A symbol of the highest quest,
To seek the truth and know no rest.
Chapter 2: The Egyptian Influence
From shadows deep, Osiris rose,
With tales of death and rebirth’s prose.
“Through trials harsh, one must transform,
Embrace the new, the past reform.”
In Egypt’s land, by Nile’s flow,
The lessons of renewal grow.
With Osiris, the soul reborn,
Emerges new, the old forlorn.
A journey through the sands of time,
Reveals the self in ancient rhyme.
The past’s embrace, now let it go,
For in the new, true self shall show.
Chapter 3: The Sumerian Descent
Inanna, queen of heavens high,
Descends below where shadows lie.
Through gates of trial, stripped and bare,
The essence true, without compare.
“Each gate you pass, a layer shed,
The fears, the doubts, the tears you’ve bled.
In darkness deep, your strength you’ll find,
Embrace the truth within your mind.”
Inanna’s rise from depths profound,
With strength renewed, the soul unbound.
Empowered now, the heart aligns,
With courage found, the spirit shines.
Chapter 4: The Greek Journey
Leads the way through shadowed land.
To realms below where lost souls dwell,
A journey fraught, yet all is well.
“In search of love, one’s heart must go,
Through trials harsh, where rivers flow.
Persevere with heart so true,
The light within shall guide you through.”
Through underworld with steps so light,
The quest for truth, a noble fight.
Orpheus’ song, a guiding star,
Reveals the self both near and far.
Chapter 5: The Kabbalistic Quest
A scholar wise with scrolls of old,
Leads the way where truths unfold.
The Tree of Life, its branches wide,
A path to wisdom, deep inside.
“Climb the Tree, the Sefirot’s light,
Illuminate the darkest night.
With each ascent, the soul you’ll find,
In harmony, your heart and mind.”
Through Kabbalah’s mystic lore,
The soul ascends, forever more.
In wisdom’s light, the self aligns,
With truths profound, the spirit shines.
Chapter 6: The Christian Perspective
A Mason true of Christian creed,
Shares the path with gentle deed.
“Though faiths may differ, hearts can blend,
In brotherhood, let’s comprehend.”
“With love and grace, we bridge the gap,
Respect for all within our map.
In unity, we find our strength,
In truth and love, we go to length.”
With Christian heart and Masonic soul,
The path to unity and goal.
In brotherhood, the truth is found,
In love and light, we’re all unbound.
Epilogue: The Return to the Lodge
With guides and wisdom, truths in hand,
The soul returns to Lodge’s land.
In Masonic halls, the lessons clear,
A journey’s end, with heart sincere.
Yet in the Lodge, where bonds are made,
A different truth was then displayed.
The brethren looked, but could not see,
The truth of what I’d come to be.
With hearts of stone and minds of old,
They turned away, the truth untold.
“Not ready,” said their silent eyes,
For one who dared to break disguise.
Rejected in the hallowed hall,
I stood alone, yet stood up tall.
For in the journey, strength was found,
A truth within, forever bound.
Upon Reflection
In ancient halls and crypts so deep,
The journey’s truths forever keep.
With Hiram, Osiris, and Inanna’s grace,
The self discovered, found its place.
In Orpheus’ song and Kabbalah’s light,
In Christian love, the path was bright.
Yet in the Lodge, the welcome waned,
Their minds were closed, their hearts constrained.
But from this path, a truth so pure,
A self reborn, forever sure.
In darkness and in light I stand,
A soul unbound in Masonic land.
For though rejected by the few,
The journey’s light remains in view.
With guides and wisdom, courage high,
I journey on beneath the sky.
In every heart, a truth to find,
In every soul, a path aligned.
The Lodge may turn, but I remain,
A Mason true, in heart and name.
Act II: The Voyage Beyond the Lodge
Perfect Points of Entry
Returned to Lodge with heart aglow,
Yet found the place I used to know,
Now foreign, distant, strange and cold,
Not the home it was of old.
In halls where wisdom once was sought,
A disconnect, with change it brought.
Not just myself transformed anew,
But Lodge itself felt foreign too.
The Porch and the Middle Chamber
With wisdom gained from crypts profound,
I sought to share the truths I found.
But eyes were blind and hearts were still,
To tales of courage, strength, and will.
“In crypts and shadows, I have been,
And learned the truths of what is seen.
Yet here, the same old paths you tread,
Unchanged, unmoved, by what I’ve said.”
I spoke of Inanna’s trials deep,
Of Orpheus and Kabbalah’s leap.
Of Osiris’ death and rebirth’s grace,
But saw no change in a single face.
“To stay would mean to stagnate here,
Against the truths I hold so dear.
For Masonry’s true path to light,
Demands that I continue my flight.”
The Rebis, symbol of the whole,
Unity of opposites, the goal.
Yet here, the ashlar I have hewn,
Cannot fit within this room.
Preparing for Departure
So with a heavy heart, I stand,
Prepared to leave this hallowed land.
Not in defeat, but in pursuit,
Of growth and truth, the very root.
I set my sails for horizons wide,
With Masonic truths as my guide.
The ashlar I have carved with care,
Will find its place, I know not where.
Beyond the Lodge, my path extends,
To places where my soul ascends.
In search of lands where I belong,
Where heart and spirit grow strong.
The journey’s end is never near,
For Masons true, the path is clear.
In every heart, a Lodge does lie,
Beneath the vast and open sky.
Epilogue
In halls of stone or open air,
The lessons learned, I always bear.
For though the Lodge may not yet see,
The truth that lives and grows in me.
In every journey, every quest,
The light within, I manifest.
With hope and courage, sail anew,
To lands where dreams and truths come true.
For Masonry, a guiding star,
In every heart, both near and far.
The voyage never truly ends,
For in each step, the soul ascends.
Act III: An Aspirational Return to Distant Shores
Departure
Set sail I did, from Lodge’s shore,
To lands unseen, where spirits soar.
In search of truth and soul’s embrace,
I journeyed far to find my place.
Arrival
Across the seas, beneath the stars,
Through tempests fierce and peaceful calms.
A distant shore appeared in sight,
A land where hearts beat with delight.
In matristic lands I found,
A culture rich, with spirits crowned.
Not just the body held in awe,
But soul and heart, their deepest law.
Each soul, a gem, in spirit bright,
Celebrated in the light.
A place where every heart’s desire,
Is met with love, and spirits’ fire.
The old gods danced upon the hills,
With ancient songs that gave me chills.
Their presence vibrant, strong and clear,
In every breath, they lingered near.
The Gaelic Heart
In lands where Gaelic hearts do beat,
I found my soul, my spirit’s seat.
Pre-colonial days returned,
Where ancient fires of wisdom burned.
The fae, not banished, freely roamed,
In forests deep, their magic honed.
The land and spirit, intertwined,
In harmony, both soul and mind.
In land’s embrace so kind,
A home for heart and soul to find.
With ancient roots and spirits free,
A place where I could truly be.
The Old Gods
The old gods, with their wisdom vast,
Revealed the truths of ages past.
In sacred groves and standing stones,
Their voices echoed, ancient tones.
With Morrigan’s fierce, protective grace,
And Brigid’s light, a warm embrace.
With Cernunnos, the forest’s might,
I found my place in their sacred light.
Connection
The land, a tapestry of green,
Where every hill and glen is seen.
With rivers pure and mountains high,
Beneath the vast and open sky.
The earth, my roots, in her I find,
A home for both my heart and mind.
The fae and gods, the land so dear,
In this new home, my spirit clear.
Epilogue
In lands where Gaelic heartbeats strong,
I found a place where I belong.
A journey’s end, yet just begun,
In harmony, my soul has won.
The matristic culture, spirits bright,
Guided me to this place of light.
In land’s pre-colonial air,
I found a home beyond compare.
For though I sailed from Lodge’s shore,
In search of truth, I found much more.
In distant lands, my spirit soared,
In ancient roots, my soul restored.
With old gods near and fae so free,
In land and spirit, unity.
In every heart, a song so pure,
In every soul, a light so sure.
For journeys end where hearts find peace,
In lands where ancient whispers cease.
A return to roots, to spirit’s song,
In land’s embrace, I now belong.
—
Final thoughts …
In Freemasonry, one pays dues to one’s Lodge around this time for the upcoming calendar year. Thus, these thoughts are happening around my receiving dues notices. I’m processing the impending end of my Masonic membership and what the next phase of my journey looks like. Needless to say, I don’t have the scripts for what is to come … so today’s article and it’s poem is my attempt to begin that work.
Through social media, I’ve met a few trans women who were Masons. All have ended their affiliation with the craft. Some are in states openly hostile to trans people. Others, like me, are in states that are more welcoming … but who, like me, have found that the law and the spirit are widely divided.
This divide between law and spirit highlights a deeper issue within Masonry. Whilst the organisation may claim to be progressive in some areas, the reality for many (e.g. trans people) reveals a different story. The rejection we face isn’t just about rules or regulations, but about a fundamental misalignment between Masonic ideals of personal growth and the actual acceptance of that growth when it challenges traditional norms.
As I contemplate not renewing my dues, I’m struck by the irony. The very institution that encouraged me to seek light and truth now seems unable to accept the light and truth I’ve found within myself. This journey has led me to question not just my place in Masonry, but also the capacity of traditional institutions to truly embrace transformative personal growth.
Yet, this ending also marks a beginning. As I look towards the next phase of my journey, I find myself drawn to explore paths that resonate more deeply with my authentic self. The lessons I’ve learned in Masonry - about symbolism, self-reflection, and the quest for deeper meaning - remain valuable tools as I chart this new course.
In crafting this article and poem and reflecting on my experiences, I’m not just processing an ending, but also envisioning a future. It’s a future where my identity as a trans woman and my spiritual journey are not at odds, but in harmony. Moreover, it’s a future where my spiritual exploration is no longer confined to exclusionary spaces.
Unlike the “all male” environment of Masonic lodges, I find myself yearning for inclusive spiritual communities where I can grow and learn alongside my wife and family. This shift represents not just a personal transformation, but a reimagining of what spiritual fellowship can be. I look forward to discovering and creating spaces where all aspects of my identity are welcomed, and where the journey of self-discovery is a shared experience with my loved ones.
Whilst the exact path forward may be uncertain, I’m committed to continuing my quest for personal growth, authentic living, and spiritual fulfillment - not in isolation, but in the company of those closest to me. This new chapter promises a more integrated approach to spirituality, one that aligns with my whole self and embraces the richness of shared experiences.